smile

gold hues

wispy clouds

we’re chucking donuts

(our favorite kinds)

off the jones’ memorial

when I’m with you

I feel like a kid again

living deep
without thinking about

time

bright afternoon

the release of

closing my eyes

lost in melody

with an old friend

saying nothing

drinking soda from bottles
light flickering through bare trees

driving home

tonight

I want you to

know

that I see this is painful

your eyes were down

and I wanted to just

hold your

shaking hands

free

I think the beauty of this is that

it is beyond us

in a way that is causing us to open

freeing

both pain and love

and maybe now is about

focusing on that
focusing on

freeing more pain

freeing more love

deeper

I needed to give

beyond what I thought

possible

so I sat on the floor

and remembered your

heart

the pause

grinding coffee

you met my glance

gently asked me to talk

tears brimming and red-faced

I confessed my pain

the pressure

how much I care

I needed to be heard

wanted to be open
however raw and unkempt

and you

you listened

you shared the weight

your beautiful heart

paused for me

communion

this time

it will be more than a taste

this time

it will surpass

shifting emotions or what I see as reality

this time

I will swallow the bread

take you in

and claim

that you have always been

enough

I love you

for the fragments I offer

for

my feeble love

I am

swelling into something

spacious

into a life mended

by the spirit who

never

gives up

liar's paradox

when i apologized on the phone
she said everything to deny my wrongdoing
but we never talked again
cause i think she finally saw the truth in it

i wish i didn't tell her
because it was only true once i said it

give

i can give
up dreams
but i can't stop
giving
love.

hope

this time it’s different

this time

I have the infinite
security of your arms

falls will

echo how

protected

I am

pressed but safe

when 

I ache

I’ll press deeper

into the embrace

of grace

the exhibition

the certain charm

of looking out windows

on the top floor
during algebra

childhood

bubbles in milk
hats with ear-flaps
and always being
the dance champ

little cues

hey,

someone fix that door

at work

that flings open from the

unmanageable wind.

I guess I’m not doing

well

I guess I might be

angry

grow

I could be

stained with anger

crawling into a comfortable bitterness

into a quilt

hibernating until the heat

of summer

forces me out

but tear me wide open

I will feel the penetrating ache of missing

you

letting time pass slowly

without resentment

without forgetting our dreams:

painted tire swings on every tree of the cemetery

and

eating maple pecan granola in our morning bowls

collaging together with tea, snow falling under streetlights

I will cry most days, maybe

but this, this

this throbbing flow of hope

this rawness creating innocence

a continual newness

is better than being immobilized

frustrated

so grow

within me

light

push out any darkness

I’m yielded

startled

but 

ready

the pulse

light rousing eyes

water swishing

coffee’s dripping

it’s early

but never too early

to take in this breathing world

to exhale thank you 

brand new

missteps

corrected

rags

mended

rip me open

find the light

déjà vu

the weirdest feeling

praying

with a paintbrush

coffee smells

and swirling color

this is real

under a pine tree
branch arms outstretched

covering us

a zillion light bulbs:

spotlights
for our night

if this is
if this is real

i never want to sleep

4:23

as I study your face

decorated by afternoon sun

my heart expands to make room

for all this

grandma

philadelphia art museum
with you
dreams were big
as we talked about gaudí

about sitting on roofs
though i’ve given up dreams
for now
that held weight
i wish i had grabbed your hand
while i sat with you
scrunched together on that little chair

yesterday, reading wordsworth
i’m the same
really
i promise
to show you we’re still connected

i promise i yearn
even

your hands fit

wait

reflecting and noticing light

eyes

minds

being true

all

securely giving

and I’m not afraid anymore

nothing rushed

because we have the time

to search out the perfect marble

we have the time

to savor  

sweetness

reach

 i.

what

I love

about you
most

is the way you reach

reach

reach

Always.

ii.

standing there all

bundled:

a puffy coat

mittens poking half-out of full pockets

a scarf wrapped to the chin

can barely move

I realize

I feel like a child

iii.

I break.

thoughts 

days

repeat, repeat, repeat

scattered and poignant 

I'm afraid 

I'm afraid

still, still!

but gently
you calm me

a word
a whisper
a knowing 

it’ll be okay

I Admit

Seeing a jumble and making conclusions
a goofy kaleidoscope lens--a snap reflex
I admit I point and shoot your limitations like I see so
clearly

jeopardy

i suppose he was content
enough.
maybe he didn’t even think about how he felt
–why waste thoughts on that?
jeopardy was on and he was at his station,
the dinner plate resting oh his belly,
the remote to his left,
his answers always right.

honest

it is past 11
i'm sitting on
my bed
just made
somehow rumpled
you are driving, driving
talking talking
it is hard to follow
you.

being honest with myself
hurts
being honest with you
hurts
things were so orderly
and now i'm
losing my voice

please just stay on the phone
and don't be too angry
please keep talking
and i'll try to
believe

slow down

i.
every passing truck
40 at least
lit up the cold
damp highway
it was much too close,
i remember.
you said your thoughts
it was too much
too bright
a flash in my face
and i,
confused,
labeled you"self-righteous"
quickly
to protect
to understand.

ii.
teach me how to slow
to wait
to see the truth of a person
a painful stretch, reaching
but such nearness
remains.

curious

you tell me that there are things I wouldn’t want to know
impossibly dark things
I breathe to take it all in
trying to
because maybe even this vague admission is the best you can give
why even understand
what you’re
telling in hesitation?
trying me
testing my curiosity
no, maybe my limits
of acceptance, of love
I find myself asking, “what, then, is the worst thing you’ve done?”
"I don’t mean to pry,"
I falter,
"but
something in you
wants
to be free."

work

sometimes you're high
at work
but hey, you're still chopping
onions
just fine
sometimes i wonder what you think
of me
so quiet
sometimes i think back to
my unrestrained chatter
so nervous and unaware
of the broken world
that first summer
working
i'll gladly do dishes
if i get a smile

unedit

i think i'm alive
really alive
when i'm in my car
in between
places
with no pressure
of editing speech
or action
or fitting snugly
into expectations
where i can chew with my mouth open
and sing songs loudly or softly
when i pray and feel
and smell and breathe
when i am free to roam
and simply go
without
pressure of tomorrow
or yesterday
without
deciding if the time is good or bad
this is when i live
in
the
wide open
moment

late call

a secret
lost on our
unequal sentiments

he dodged my
obvious interest with flattery
of another

deflections and rejections
and mumbled ends about
being tired

silly me
called a boy
much
too
late.

summer routine

i sat on my porch
ready to put up a wall
and instead i'm happy
that you biked over to simply talk about
grapes
and hopefully
this
will be routine

divided

divided

a part of me clings to
reality
that life crushes
with bills, jobs
expectations
loneliness
routine
why marvel in the little things when
weightier matters press?

but a larger part still innocently
hopes
for spontaneity in the everyday
because living is about
seizing
even small opportunities
it’s waking
with anticipation
it’s splashing in mud puddles
and choosing to believe the best
about my boss
it’s an eager
waiting
and loving even when it
hurts

South Dakota

barefoot and goofy, we launched into field
yelling warnings about prickles
after the sound of whooshing cars and the flashes of headlights faded
far, far away
we unzipped the sleeping bag
we huddled in close
silent and aware of hands and feet
we looked up at the bright

promise me

needing coffee
needing a word
remind me this
is worth it
promise me
it’s worth it
because waking
is sometimes hard

poetry class

poetry class was hell
because you sat across from me
and most days you skipped anyhow
we all sat in a circle
to feel metaphors together
and I rolled my eyes
trying to separate from dishonesty

consort

his benefit concert
I contemplated going
all day
I did
to be strumming the guitar
with goofy socks for something really important and meaningful, probably
like kids with aids
makes him feel worthwhile

I know deeply
there’s courage tucked in security
and that’s what he’s looking for
not some cheap admiration
some ego tweaking guitar gig
but how do I even say that
soft and unhurried
so he hears?

what if(s)

it’s morning and I’m pleading
with the bright sun
I’m breathing lightly
stepping lightly
tormented
tossing
thinking
I’ll never get back

on the way to work
pinkish sky in my peripheral
memories at the forefront
still and sorry
remembering seems to steal today
minutes pass
dormant

a crust of white snow
I must decide
to make something
new

never did call you samuel

i.
my hair was short
when we first met
now it’s long
it’s so long
since we’ve
said a thing

ii.
turning
thirty
is that a dirty word to him?
I often pray while singing
he’ll probably never
know those songs
for him

iii.
I’m terrified
that
trusting is the
hardest part

The Weekend

i woke up with my lamp already on

memories desperately tried to link
the series of conscious mes
but despite my best efforts

atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

you eventually called me
and when i agreed to see you
you knew my voice

but on our date
you told your church group that
we were just friends
and on the hay ride
despite my best efforts
i never once touched you
and in the car on the way home
conversation was sparse in the wrong way
and i could tell you didn't know me

because atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

---------------------------------------------

i couldn't let myself sleep

i wanted to hold onto this
as long as i could
so i turned on the light
hoping it would keep me awake

as i stared at the ceiling
i focused on the timbre of your voice
and the black knit gloves you insisted on wearing inside
to keep from biting your nails

and how slowly and carefully
you laid your head on my shoulder
and the warmth of your breath

i focused on that perfume you always wear
and how cute a look you give me
when i do something out of the ordinary for you

and i remembered the time
we went to the football game and the weather was awful
so we were stuck under an umbrella

it was cold so i went to get
hot chocolate from the concession stand
and tim was working the stand
he gave me two cups and i spilled a bit from the one
but it just kept pouring from the cup
and the rain fell harder and stung my cheeks
while mud and chocolate rose together
and the warm murky water swept me away

---------------------------------------------

who let us sit beside each other?

it's nice cause
i was tired of being
beside myself

falling asleep on your shoulder
was probably intentional
and when i woke you were still there

we ate in the parking lot
and in a wordless conversation
i wrapped my arm around you
as you leaned into me

and in the car on the way home
we shared pillows and glances sort of awkwardly
you woke me up when we got there
and hugged me like you knew me

and maybe you did know me

rebuilding

being fully
broken
being me
without definition
the external securities dried up
left
with the clarity of powerlessness
but clarity
nevertheless

kitchen talk

nightly dishes
late
you decided to
tell me
then
one bulb over the sink
I focused on the puddle
of light on the counter
you told me
softly
stay home

misty tuesday

& when you came in
I thought your sister from Italy
was your new girlfriend
blonde & beautiful

& when you hugged me
I missed you
& knew that we were
finally
fine

erasing

the newness
of white
erasing
took me from that contained dorm room

gloves and you
with me
boots and hat
together

of course
on that pier
you looked me in the eyes
deliberate

I was nervous
and aware

I didn't want words
definition
words about you and me
us

just wanted a walk
embracing snow
allowing the uncertainty of flakes
swirling
to hide the world
a momentary blurring of reality

wanted to forget studies
to forget work and emails
to forget expectations
to forget

and for
once
not make

anything

acceptance

I want to tell you
loudly
than any outward success of my own
was never as
unfathomable
as lasting
as bottomless
as your unyielding acceptance:
such love has the depth of
pain and failure
hope
and life

far away

I never thought
these city streets
would be home
that tracing memories in my car
would be normal
that thoughts could wander
blurring this now familiar
scenery
snapping by

found

covered

by this surge of understanding
he saw a burst of my lowest
yet he still saw me
and “solid”
was his conclusion

held

by the swelling sensation of relief
briefly I forgot the bareness
of feeling alone

The Waitress

Alone in the back
Fumbling
With sugar packets
With coffee stains on her apron
With calluses on her toes
With untamed, rampant thoughts

earth science class

it’s your classroom
I haven’t been in school for a year and a half
to sit in it
to listen
it’s weird
now that I’m 20
you search the ceiling for a topic
to teach me

hope

it's invading
I’m almost fighting it
‘cause the space to disappointment will now increase
leading to a painful plummet
but this heart without expectations is sick
so I’ll welcome this newness, this openness, this space
this freedom
enjoying the free fall

little u

it’s the starchy language
it’s telling
the message: “Are u well?”
since a word is so rare
I don’t know what to think

interesting
old cupboards—one’s missing a handle
waiting for water to boil
Jake hugs his girl
now you hug me
I always did hate your use of u

a thing to witness

running
to the tree line
young to the unknown within
watching and replaying
innocent eyes wide to
this surreal reconsideration
of what it means to live

I'll take the moment

at such mundane times I'll throw away caution
alone and out of control
like after I sense the layers of emotion
with each measured pause
I'll stop rehearsing lines
and just live

the wall of legos

christmas '97
and that's just what i wanted
well i mean in general

finally some kind of
favorable wind
though it chills all the way through

approaching reservedly
don't get too excited
cause who knows what'll happen

I knew you'd see me

“no one can offer my vulnerability, but me,”
I echoed, philosophically
that awful murky mess of feelings and thoughts
was sorted haphazardly in front of you
in my eyes
told you exactly what I knew
that excitement of looking at you, squarely

but it sounded hollow to me.

intimate pauses

the best is when you
lean a little
forward, watching
anticipating my next word
like those intimate pauses
between notes

new honesty

his reaction was so pronounced
anger and hurt
grasping
for the rules of this new honesty

less of the same

adulthood and mutual relationships
aren't yet in these
shattering, fractal frames

and although it's a fantastic dream
i guess just an ancillary goal

cause if you take too many steps at once
the film moves backward
stroboscopically

careless

so worried about details
she stared at him across
from her
he was leaning with a smirk
intently watching her while she read
fluorescent lights and white walls
the barren dorm added to the gloom
he freaking used, “gloriousnicity”
in a poem critique

A Childish Thing

She made him tie her shoes
She made him regress back to innocence
“One day,” she whispered,
"I’ll let you know the colors I dream in.”
He held her hand
A childish thing, really
Going back to the lack they both felt

Oct. 6, 2010

1
lost control
only when
you asked
how I'd
been
2
the scalloped potatoes
with salsa
didn’t work
but I do love
her crazy
3
that sky
open and breathe
we’ll be bright
again

Safe Enough

maybe I’ll feel safe enough
to exhale my thoughts
to stop
tiptoeing around deeper things.
maybe.

worth

you don’t need to prove a thing
I’ll tell you over and over
that no matter what
you do
but mostly, no matter what
you don’t do
you still matter

Love

Love
is easy
to understand
when it’s deserved.

Independence

Sometimes
All I want to do
Is make pretty spaces
Where I will sit
Feeling clean and together

the secret

I’m beneath the streetlight watchin’
his shaking hand
as he laughs
at me
I don’t get it
but I don’t feel alone

oh, to fly

feeling especially helpless
a whisper about a bird
and all I can think is "flighty"
not the good things

wishing for travels to far-off places
away from overcast skies, from routine
I don’t mean to be cliché
but don’t caged birds sing?

finding salt and wind and light
maybe that moment when I cried at breakfast
will follow me

those stolen sunglasses--your trophy--rested near
your plate of eggs and hash browns
while I meant to study biology
that casual lounging position of yours
my gaze was fixed on the door

wishing for travels
finding salt
feeling helpless

they say hindsight is twenty-twenty

Well,
My goodbye cookies were in hand
Your arms were outstretched, so happy
Why did I wear a skirt?
I knew the moment I hugged you I failed

empty nearness

but when you’re murmuring in my ear
it’s blurry

how was your day?
smoking and sitting
eating fancy, a guitar to strum, a porch and an old dog
habit
that unavoidable hollowness
of jazz and cards,
of smelling your breath,
of looking you solidly in the eyes
of burning skin
filtering words: a sophistication I cannot enjoy

when I’m sitting far away
it’s clear

undone

can’t this be easy?
snow falling
late tangles and thoughts
overly bright light
parking signs
cheerios

I think you’re beautiful
even with all your half truths
I still find you.


please,
please see that

interested in: girls, xbox

six days in the interim
a drawn out cadence
fueled by downs and loneliness
needy clockwork

three, max
probably closer to two
and i apologize for everything, God
but really nothing

five nights in a row
pictures and sound drone
cause i'm too stressed, i guess

and constant
sleepwalking

helpless and new

a friday night, fading and frail
details melting
but that feeling's still ours

i was helpless and new
so you taught me

swaying to an unheard beat
wordless breaths
hearts near
and your eyes brighter than ever
in the middle of a parking lot

I just want to listen

when I was near
enough, oh, I remember that time like three
years ago
to get used to the smell of
your clothes
was my goal

It was when I really liked something
knew my goals

so weird to be sipping cocoa
with you
now, weary
of life, hunting dreams
me, giving them up
now, living

finding

we met in a field
‘cause it’s so open
unassuming

that newness of
love & beauty
chasing

I took off my shoes
& learned about
dancing

casual sports

summer heat and volleyball
more family i don't know
and unlikely i will

glimpse of distrust between serves

following,
quiet uneasiness met with
cascades of recognition and small talk

i hope you know
i was sore for the next 3 days
and still bruised

over thinking

over
thinking
& tiredness slip
fighting over sighs
all waste glorious day

step away
with the wind

&
fall

really attitude
happiness
ideals
all are relative

step away
with the wind

I’m
over
thinking

summer snippets

on the porch:
microwaved oatmeal
big hair from
turning
observing early morning
the mailman
& his high
socks

3 old
women
sit & disregard
& motion when they’re ready to order
music awful
as in general my impatience rules

Tiki Torches
the fire
intense stars
& a zillion stories and laughs
light our faces
we share a Snapple
rummaging for ease

unforgetting

I want to impress
with quips and drips
of sarcasm and stuff

it is work—addictive
with a pleasant payoff
it is fine

everytime I wash my hair
with my big black bottle of shampoo
I smell last year

I don’t know
if (how) I can (will) let
go

I'm afraid
of losing

I'm afraid
of being lost

song of solomon 2

for the winter has past and the springtime has come
and you’ve renewed me and you’ve called me
yours

I believe it
I receive it
your love, your refreshing

I want you, deeper, deeper, deeper still
I’m not content with yesterday’s good
the winter has past and the springtime has come

I believe it
I receive it
you’re love, you’re refreshing

you are mine and I am yours
safe within your arms
alive in your beauty
a flower opening

I believe
I receive
you

Tuesday Evening

I liked that shaky vibrato
That you smoked first
To not sound like a church boy
Mostly, though,
I liked the vulnerability
Fans and red guitar
The tinny taste of warm coke
You being you

dance

we were walking, I remember
to the very end of campus
to the dome shaped building
you looked at me for too long
self-conscious now, I looked at the sky

you are too lanky and maybe a little effeminate
so self-indulgent
I remember thinking that
but something about that foolish grin
something about your sincere happiness
something

freckles and blue eyes

a full moon
I hadn’t decided what I felt about you
only that I liked your company
I sat down

Of course you joined me on the cold grass
avoiding your stare
there was a ring around the moon
we both made a remark about it

pulling out your iPod
you asked if I've heard Beirut
each of us had an earpod in
with outstretched hand
you pulled me up

moonlight and clumsy waltzing
I won’t forget
such a sucker for smiles and accordions
so simple and honest

one, two, three

I will seek you
In my weakness
Finding strength in being raw

I will trust you
In the muddle
Knowing that you see it all

I will find you
In the quiet
Waiting for your safe embrace

I will love you
In the open
Seeing people as your face

growth

small, contained, wanting
but buried within your love
winter begets spring

& Bit by Bit, I'll Let Go

I remember sitting on the heat vent
sun in my eyes, my little toes on sticky linoleum
begging my mom to talk to him
sputtering nonsense between gulps of air
to be heard, to make a point


maybe that's where this started
this need to be noticed
this need to prove myself
this need to justify my feelings

this is a start to let go
an ending
because ends are beginnings

open and ready

it’s just that my days are marked
with painful normalcy
tables and chairs
people and their dreadfully dull conversation
the “would you like cream and sugar” and “any dessert today?”
feeling trapped within my building, my job, my role

and tonight it compounded into frustration and bitterness
but not that clear
it was more longing for newness and freedom
for a road trip
for a breeze and a song
sunshine and toes and dirt
it was feeling my lack

I went to my old elementary school
with little white sneakers
and I made my way to the swing set and faced the big field
and childishly pumped and pumped
until the stars seemed closer with every swoosh
silly exhilaration took over
hair a mess
eyes wide
I got a sense of what I wanted

I want an eagerness, a steadiness
a movement forward
I want to forget my yesterdays
I want to shake off my boxes, my boundaries, my logic
and plow into the unknown
I want to live deeply

I want to jump even though I might fall.

a song! a joy!

the steadiness of loving now
beats the heaviness of facts unknown
I can eat my bagel & let go
I can love today & let go

& I’ll let my pinky rest on the high note

I love you

all the feelings in the world
piled on my head
every hair of emotion
and I'm pulling them out
painfully, slowly
methodically, one by one
and forcibly shoving them into three words
I love you

looking at myself
well actually looking at you
but I meant introspective
pitiful, bald, invested
and your response is a hug
and a casual kiss

and the backwards thing is
your reaction meant more
nothing substantial, but more
than all the feelings in the world

if in anger I can say things I don't mean
then can't any feeling betray me?

love without restlessness

walking across the january iced parking lot
your lips will hold a cigarette and smirk
cold drizzle, long jacket
I won’t run
we won’t discuss
a new love will guide me

Tree Haiku

Like last year, she drew
knotted, leafless trees in ink.
“Leaves sprout!” she pleaded.

Café & Simplicity

a
tiny box of sunlight and brick
coffee smell and wood floor
chatter and waiting
for eye contact
for connection
for you

be
here for me
even though you declare
with a snort that I’m a cliché
for supporting a coffee chain instead of
the mom-and-pops next door

see,
I never claimed
I was original.
I am human
so human
so limited
(but united)
by emotion and needs.

Humility

I’ve
tripped
fallen
and stumbled
to see
that there
is beauty
in spite of me.

unlatching secrets

I’m touching your skin
finding we’re the same

breathing your words
tasting your perception
feeding on you

all this is compensation
for our inadequacies

bare
unclean and fleshy

I simply see it now.
soft and obvious
like February moss
after snow melts

Gaping Holes

pity and shame and pain and gain
a jumble

extracting meaning
is like pulling teeth

Still Crawling

No, you were never home
Always at your office
I would visit you
You had that inspirational poster of a cocoon
I wanted to believe so badly
That something beautiful arises
From patience
I thought I understood
I still have your old office number memorized

I can’t misread this anymore
I was never enough
You weren’t either
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I just wanted you to tell me
That I'm beautiful

frozen

how foolish
to believe that time
erases memories
I brush my teeth and there you are
idealized, no doubt

ah, hope,
shall I invest in you, too?
I am so weary
of disappointment
what if you’re another?

there's snow again
wisps of hair in my face
too cold to move
conceal it all, snow
whiteout everything

gather me

let me tell you everything

quick drops of this year
in piles
directly on you
untidy files flopped on a desk
loads of everything and nothing
you sort it out.
dig around
gather the scattered
I can’t make sense of it.

you promised to finish this.

redraft

I want to hide in a book and never come out
Rewrite what’s happened to me
Invent a new future
I’d be a charming protagonist
I would.

Grace

Guess what, grace? I don’t understand you.
In this cash-in and receive society, that is a bad trade.

To-Do List:
cleaning and re-cleaning
tucking away ugly loose ends
washing my hair once again
smoothing over things that don’t matter

The Mundane
convinces me that I don’t need you, grace.
It robs me of time and reality
it reduces life
to tidy equations:
a garble of outward success,
checking off lists,
and self-sufficiency.

I catch a glimpse of The Giver of grace.
my soul drinks
I fade.

Come here, grace.
The Mundane isn’t trustworthy.
I’m going to The Giver.

release

compressed until all my boxes
no longer have walls
& now I know
that was love.

I cry freely
realizing I was fighting myself.
thought you were the enemy

it was me.

guilt & shame
heartache & pain
arrogance & greed
compartments
hiding places
I surrender

love conquers me.