7

twirling in my dress in the back
of the church
the feeling
the pressure in my legs to
dance like no one could see me

the evidence

december
last year and you found me in the
parking lot
you startled me and
i think you misinterpreted me
you thought i missed you
the salt down my cheeks
the evidence you needed

stamps

i don't really understand what

life is about

some say it is about giving

but if you don't take then

you are always panting

always too tired

flinging my head back 

with a leather coat and my skinny jeans

i know you are looking at my butt

and i wanted you to kiss me

and all you wanted was for me to keep you warm

i slipped away late and felt

unwanted and 

alone

everyone has secrets and 

hidden little objects

everyone has little lies

that turn into realities

because focus is a powerful thing

because you become what you

believe

i don't think i'm alone ever

but why do i feel alone?

i don't understand the need for connection

when it is so rare

when bills are scattered around the floor

when i can't find the damn stamps

when such little trivialities take precedence over

holding your hand

i was never good at feeding myself

i was never good at laundry

i need a helper

i was babbling in the car 

we were going to look for rocks

and you scared me 

the sun right in my eyes

you scared me talking about 

npr and 15 year old consensual sex

i felt strange

you were a stranger i couldn't talk to

i want to be content with

little

i want to focus on 

the important

housed in the clarity of 

being wanted

believe

i am no longer afraid
or at least that's my choice
like how i would choose cheerios in the morning
instead of, say, cinnamon toast crunch
(although, let's be real, that's a hard decision)
and i'm not giving up on loving and feeling deeply
oh no, i won't
and maybe i've been a little burdened lately
but i won't die
because light wins
when i open to it
and i don't have the answers
at all
and i am confused
but i am open to
the light
opening
 to the light
i'm not even sure what that means
maybe breathing in cold air in the morning
maybe slowing down to see snowflakes twirling in the window
at work
the person next to me
needing me
or maybe it's color and sound
believing the best
enjoying what i have and
not aching for the next next next
because god is now
and god is present
light
 is everywhere

shame

shame is that hole
you go
to hide from others
you can never really escape
yourself, though

i remember finding you so long ago
red-faced and hands shaking
i hated you
and loved you

the pain of not talking it through
i wish you wouldn't try to be close
leaving notes
saying sorry
but never the truth

you seem like a child to me
you seem like a child who is
lost
and cannot find his way home

i can't guide you
i won't

shame is dark and i
don't want to see you
like this
shame is dark and it takes
others captive

11-8-13

i wish you would
tell me the words
you're thinking
i know you think
a lot


sharing is the hardest when you're scared
you seem different than me
but i like that
i like to be curious

i don't have the words
always
but i can feel them



in the kitchen with my mom
eating cake together
you laugh so sincerely
and your face is red


but i wonder if
i can tell you
about my heart

New

It feels like the first time I've
Seen
Looking up at the sliver of light
Wonder is a gift
I ache to be new

haiku with chet

poverty, ruin
the old man thinks it's all good
we'll see about that

hold my hand

soft focus

a light remains 

but i can't see

where i am

or where to go

all i have are open arms

all i have is the hope

that you will 

hold my hand
keep my heart soft
keep my heart soft
keep my heart ready

empty hands

there’s a certain comfort in burying myself

in dreams 

in

love

there’s a confidence found in things

surrounding

there’s a certain faith required to be grateful

I keep coming up short

your whisper is startling but freeing

a painful sort of thing

that causes me to remember

I have empty hands

and I can’t see 

new perspective

40 panels

of the mundane

but he was given a new perspective

and the old man in the top hat 

was free 

free from world-weariness

nothing changed, not a panel

but each moment was filled
with inexhaustible joy

today

waiting for your painted lips to

talk and tell him the news

you don't seem to want

to deliver 

you are so young

and yet so old

so strong and yet

so weak

the way you looked right at me

gratefulness in your clear blue eyes

that's what made me cry as I left

insects are buzzing loudly

despite the bright sun

it sounds like night

on the path around the bend

your hand is so familiar now

I just want to open my heart

now

the new york times and sharpies

everything seems tidy when 

covered up

lead me

bloodied knees

will come

I'm ashamed again

breaking into dirt

I hope you love me

past my flaws

I hope you accept my

weak unsteady footing

I'm doubting

but my love is

honest

you see

more than me

strong lover

you are a leader that

makes me brave

You sing

communication isn’t necessarily lots of words

I’m

on the guitar

a hum, a learning with the pull

there is a sound that reminds me of You

a longing

in the 7^th of the chord

a tendency to want

want want

there’s a particular attention You give in the quiet

I’m learning that love is consistent

You are consistent

when sound ends you remain

tangible 

in the gracious way

You show up

I’m unhinged again

and again

a cadence

you chose

cake batter ice cream

and exclaimed about the sun

so large in the hazy Ohio evening

wiggling in my Toyota
to my npr podcast

you make me smile, boy

there is something so familiar about you

a brother

proven when you met my mom

(she immediately loved you)

I wish you could know 

now

that you don't need 

the acceptance you desire
I wish you could know
in your pulse
that you are enough

grace is always more

the familiarity of the way you

grab my heart

never with

force

only with tenderness

that familiar fear that 

I won't be 

enough

but grace is more

grace is always more

tuesday

saturated color

dipping our heads in the pond

looking at pink sky and corn fields

upside-down

the earth seems ridiculously curved

golden skin and murky

cold waters

it was the hottest day of the year

and our legs are finally soothed

monday evening

pulling you up as mud cakes your sandals

tears in your eyes about stars

I understand this emotion

I knew we would be friends

and I could cry about the fit

about how you say that you always had a sense that

God exists

the golden evening on your parent’s porch

we exist

slowly

like children unaware of

how summer will end

I have this sense

you are

with earth and sycamore and

water

eyes shining

both hands up

I have this sense that your love has the rare depth

of excitement

it is a privilege to love you as

a sister

july

you cannot ever have it all

isn’t that the point?

to want and

desire

feeling the lack and hitting the wall

again to climb

the passion of pursuit

there’s a joy in seeking

my dear

hard work has its own payoff

holding your hands

praying again for rain

it has rained all july

holding your head

underneath is

a little boy

and I want to grow with you

I want to grow 

I made feelings

an idol

I am not enough in my own mind

burrow in your skin

to feel closer

to have your sticky shoulders

I don’t know how to 

let go

I am screaming for comfort

to be enough.

covered in your skin to just
forget
to protect the little I house
to silence the idol
I hate.

asking for forgiveness

prayer

by your open door

it’s raining on me

you don’t even have a shirt on

you are hiding in a blanket

i can feel my pulse in my chest

i don’t know where to sit

i am glad, really

that it took this long

to return to your home
to see that you're human
to cry finally
and not be afraid

healing takes an openness
to see

yes i love you

you wouldn't give up on me
the emotion of it all
the focus
is dripping into my heart
my body
love is a strong word
yes.
i love you.

new

in the car
in the dirt
it is so terrifying to see
jealousy
as the waitress so easily gets you to talk

you are distracted by lights
glass
i am trying to catch your gaze
i am trying to open you
but are my efforts
boxing you in?

maybe i need to let go
back to day one
go back go back
back to day one
where we agreed to not hurt one another
where we agreed to take it day by day

you wanted
you waited
i can be steady
i can wait
i will trust

blur

there’s you

through bits

of trying to fill the hollow that life sometimes brings

a sadness that is free and vague

I expect better of myself

I expect more

a wind I ache for

makes it hard to see

my hair is now long enough

to fall in my eyes

sunlight is a blessing

but what happens when

I decide I need it

and it’s not around?

blurry-eyed and wanting

focus

wanting to shake this

unfamiliar distrust

wanting to forget scattered 

thoughts

I don’t want to use you

to gain clarity

I don’t just want to use you

to feel better

room 155 eating thai
it is pretty warm in this little room
and the piano sounds are a bit warped
i wish i had the confidence to
play to you what i know

\\

you look down and find
the best rocks by the creek
your collection all fossils and shapes
mine all color
now lined on my window sill
from biggest to smallest
are yours by the bathroom sink
in your parent's home?

//

the trees at night
and the buildings are more beautiful
slightly masked
highlighted by street lights
holding your hand and looking up

\\

in your car talking about

homes

and windows

and lots of color

and that mural that may become the lifetime work

rooftop gardens

clean lines

i like how you get to talking

and just don't stop

forgive

i can when
i remember how you
washed me in your grace

sinking into the water
the glow of the sun above
still
unbreathing

i am caught off-guard
when i see my own
decay
a darkness i want to hide

but one touch
one encounter with just the hem
of your robe
one word
one cleansing in your river

i am then
able to give so much
more

i am then able to see

past fear

"my dear, my dear

the only one limiting you

is you,"

I hear myself tell my friend

as I crumble the deteriorating porch step

with my right foot

concrete falling

risk

it

slide guitar and windows cracked

it’s folk Friday on NPR

it is June and so cold

You are here in my

Bones

the cadence of your steadiness 

in the rise and fall

of the sun

of my breathing chest

in my listening and in my chatter

You are here in my DNA and

You are supplying the faith

enough faith

for today

be near me 

let your presence urge me

forward

let your spirit grow

me 

to struggle past fear

the streams he couldn’t control

the rush that knocked down fortifications

truths I

operated under

things I didn’t even know

steadied me

the unfastening

has taught me to second guess

what an ugly

wound

need

i need exhalation

i am reminded within the hollows

within the sunlight

driving too fast

thinking, thinking

the silence

i need a sound

i need a purpose

together

stromboli in the

oven

it is apparent that

I’m

not the same

messy about emotions

laughing about it

together

shrubs and trains and milkweed

surround the hill

you just hold me so sweetly

something I cannot

let go of

I need the familiarity of family

coming home

to mom singing African hymns and

bringing flowers for grandma

let’s talk about nothing and something

the release of the day in my mother’s wink

at the table with everyone

while grandma rambles on
and Simon grabs more watermelon

the light in my little room as the world

darkens

the white blanket and pages and pages

of fashion

inward

it is because I am afraid

not because I am any better

it is because I don’t want to see

the mess of emotion

the unsorted words

and heaviness

I am afraid of the sensation of

losing control and saying things

I do not mean

or maybe deeply mean

I wouldn’t want that transfer

to define the ones I love

current

your anger

a current you’re riding

verbal rage

spewing the hurt of neglect

sadly I thought

listening could help

“Get out of my fucking car,”

you said.

I’m angry now too

but I won’t say a word.

the hint

it’s

the overly sweet taste of

that Sunday and I’m remembering

the words about smiling

“Would it kill you to smile?”

finally

remnants of caramel and

chocolate and espresso

shallow breathing

trying to remain calm

because that is my only defense

if I can just be

I snapped

my own anger never a

yell

only hinted by sarcastic

jabs said steadily

more calm than you

monday

in the kitchen

in the one triangle of light

your smile is infectious

I’m glad we’re dancing

snitching cookie dough together

I’m so delighted that

we are us

the embrace of grace

grace has always been your arms

around me

holding me up

filling gaps

with substance

with love

with you

& every insufficiency
every "not enough"
pulls me only
to the full reality of
you

full & safe
weaknesses pulling me
nearer
what a beautiful heart
you have

oh,
you have always been
& you are
you will always be
enough

my car: a sanctuary

a little time in your

sunlight

& I’m unraveled

I’ll take a little more

my wind, my rain

I want 
it all

& looking up

the difference is

i'm rooted now

and looking up

eternal and open

i have expanded
because of you


green hues and an open field
and all that sky
remembering the life
rushing into
that moment
into me
when you found me
when grace became my song
and love my guide


because of you
i am infinite

snap

the snap of nostalgia
like a rubber band on my wrist
the sting of things forgotten
and found again
through a saved paper
through a faded
note

gather

woolgathering within my wistful filters
memories play out like little movies

the way light moves
the way dust whirls
sitting by the heat vent
waiting for warmth

wind or music
or a touch bring me right back
to a feeling
a time
but
the reality of past is fragile
and is it even true?
or are memories all
gathering cobwebs within
my wistful filters?

just the opposite

"i feel like you are the sun
and i am the tree,"
you said.
but i
think
it is just the opposite.

you expand my heart

this is together
this is now
and I'm caught by
your eyes

crucified with you
ripped open
made grateful
my heart will never be
the same

oh,
the way you love
is extravagant

makes a person whole

I can think of no greater passion

than kindness

gentle words

no-strings-love

giving giving giving

a grace that costs

an unconditional love that

inspires sincerity

fills the gaps

makes a person whole

too willing

you explode

I implode

smoke
that I too willingly
sucked in

words have a way of

filling hollows

jagged edges

you stood there and said
that nothing is a
clean
break
there will always be jagged edges
a tear split
impersonal assessment
as you talked about christmas in
the hospital five years ago
and never even having the chance to say
goodbye

stirring

i.

language chained me

words lacked the proper

blow

frantic screaming in the car

about worth

is it worth it?

ii.

no bitterness for

those who produce a vision

the pain of relationships

the rot of monotony

the harvest is

meaning.
the harvest is
coming.

iii.

beautiful beautiful beautiful

you promised to

come.

your will be done
your will be done
your will be done.

free

i'm not afraid of the shadows anymore
they cannot limit us
because i know the one who makes
all
things
new

listen

I heard you in the tender

moment

of giving when you filled

their hearts with joy

and the fullness of vulnerability

was palpable

with tears and sunlight

beautiful hearts ripped open

and on display

in the parking lot

I grabbed that love

I won’t let go

like david

there was that fear that  coffee

would stain me

into something plain and

that the rags would define

me instead of something slightly more interesting

or beautiful.

it is painful facing

self

I hit the floor

a clang I felt over and over

reverberating humiliation

breakers that pulled me away from

the hand with my name

written in, I imagine,

green ink

it is rain and sun

that grows me

it is presence and

life-light that

expands even my subconscious

self-limitations

like david

I am learning worship

in the field

hemmed in by you
like david
I am fighting the beasts
with the help
of the almighty

feb 7

give me your shadows

give me your all

all I require is

that you show up

when I call

loose ends

my shoes are untied
and i am waiting
for your
smile
not because i'm helpless
i promise
i just like it when
you're near enough to tie
my loose ends

Did you learn to love?

When I finally get there

When I finally get to stand before you

When you finally ask me,

“Did you learn to love, Roberta?”

I want, desperately, to say yes

I want to talk about how your love

Infiltrated and mixed within me

Stirred me up and woke me

To beauty and honesty

I want to say your name

To say that you are my love

That I learned from you

When you found me

And that this blend

This give and take

This union changed my eyes

Changed my lips

Changed my hands

Changed my heart

The beauty of you

Taught me how to truly love others

The beauty of you

Tied my heart

My body

My mind

To you

my heart is moved

You are the color

that paints this morning

It is spring and I am gulping new air

You are words

that decorate my heart

It is spring and I miss You so much

You are intuitive movement

tenderly showing me sky and stillness

It is spring and I am rising from dirt

2013

my fingerprints are your lines

patterns of you

my hope

ingrained and swirling

help me look 

for you

everyday.