song of solomon 2

for the winter has past and the springtime has come
and you’ve renewed me and you’ve called me
yours

I believe it
I receive it
your love, your refreshing

I want you, deeper, deeper, deeper still
I’m not content with yesterday’s good
the winter has past and the springtime has come

I believe it
I receive it
you’re love, you’re refreshing

you are mine and I am yours
safe within your arms
alive in your beauty
a flower opening

I believe
I receive
you

Tuesday Evening

I liked that shaky vibrato
That you smoked first
To not sound like a church boy
Mostly, though,
I liked the vulnerability
Fans and red guitar
The tinny taste of warm coke
You being you

dance

we were walking, I remember
to the very end of campus
to the dome shaped building
you looked at me for too long
self-conscious now, I looked at the sky

you are too lanky and maybe a little effeminate
so self-indulgent
I remember thinking that
but something about that foolish grin
something about your sincere happiness
something

freckles and blue eyes

a full moon
I hadn’t decided what I felt about you
only that I liked your company
I sat down

Of course you joined me on the cold grass
avoiding your stare
there was a ring around the moon
we both made a remark about it

pulling out your iPod
you asked if I've heard Beirut
each of us had an earpod in
with outstretched hand
you pulled me up

moonlight and clumsy waltzing
I won’t forget
such a sucker for smiles and accordions
so simple and honest

one, two, three

I will seek you
In my weakness
Finding strength in being raw

I will trust you
In the muddle
Knowing that you see it all

I will find you
In the quiet
Waiting for your safe embrace

I will love you
In the open
Seeing people as your face

growth

small, contained, wanting
but buried within your love
winter begets spring

& Bit by Bit, I'll Let Go

I remember sitting on the heat vent
sun in my eyes, my little toes on sticky linoleum
begging my mom to talk to him
sputtering nonsense between gulps of air
to be heard, to make a point


maybe that's where this started
this need to be noticed
this need to prove myself
this need to justify my feelings

this is a start to let go
an ending
because ends are beginnings

open and ready

it’s just that my days are marked
with painful normalcy
tables and chairs
people and their dreadfully dull conversation
the “would you like cream and sugar” and “any dessert today?”
feeling trapped within my building, my job, my role

and tonight it compounded into frustration and bitterness
but not that clear
it was more longing for newness and freedom
for a road trip
for a breeze and a song
sunshine and toes and dirt
it was feeling my lack

I went to my old elementary school
with little white sneakers
and I made my way to the swing set and faced the big field
and childishly pumped and pumped
until the stars seemed closer with every swoosh
silly exhilaration took over
hair a mess
eyes wide
I got a sense of what I wanted

I want an eagerness, a steadiness
a movement forward
I want to forget my yesterdays
I want to shake off my boxes, my boundaries, my logic
and plow into the unknown
I want to live deeply

I want to jump even though I might fall.

a song! a joy!

the steadiness of loving now
beats the heaviness of facts unknown
I can eat my bagel & let go
I can love today & let go

& I’ll let my pinky rest on the high note

I love you

all the feelings in the world
piled on my head
every hair of emotion
and I'm pulling them out
painfully, slowly
methodically, one by one
and forcibly shoving them into three words
I love you

looking at myself
well actually looking at you
but I meant introspective
pitiful, bald, invested
and your response is a hug
and a casual kiss

and the backwards thing is
your reaction meant more
nothing substantial, but more
than all the feelings in the world

if in anger I can say things I don't mean
then can't any feeling betray me?

love without restlessness

walking across the january iced parking lot
your lips will hold a cigarette and smirk
cold drizzle, long jacket
I won’t run
we won’t discuss
a new love will guide me

Tree Haiku

Like last year, she drew
knotted, leafless trees in ink.
“Leaves sprout!” she pleaded.

Café & Simplicity

a
tiny box of sunlight and brick
coffee smell and wood floor
chatter and waiting
for eye contact
for connection
for you

be
here for me
even though you declare
with a snort that I’m a cliché
for supporting a coffee chain instead of
the mom-and-pops next door

see,
I never claimed
I was original.
I am human
so human
so limited
(but united)
by emotion and needs.

Humility

I’ve
tripped
fallen
and stumbled
to see
that there
is beauty
in spite of me.

unlatching secrets

I’m touching your skin
finding we’re the same

breathing your words
tasting your perception
feeding on you

all this is compensation
for our inadequacies

bare
unclean and fleshy

I simply see it now.
soft and obvious
like February moss
after snow melts

Gaping Holes

pity and shame and pain and gain
a jumble

extracting meaning
is like pulling teeth

Still Crawling

No, you were never home
Always at your office
I would visit you
You had that inspirational poster of a cocoon
I wanted to believe so badly
That something beautiful arises
From patience
I thought I understood
I still have your old office number memorized

I can’t misread this anymore
I was never enough
You weren’t either
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I just wanted you to tell me
That I'm beautiful

frozen

how foolish
to believe that time
erases memories
I brush my teeth and there you are
idealized, no doubt

ah, hope,
shall I invest in you, too?
I am so weary
of disappointment
what if you’re another?

there's snow again
wisps of hair in my face
too cold to move
conceal it all, snow
whiteout everything

gather me

let me tell you everything

quick drops of this year
in piles
directly on you
untidy files flopped on a desk
loads of everything and nothing
you sort it out.
dig around
gather the scattered
I can’t make sense of it.

you promised to finish this.

redraft

I want to hide in a book and never come out
Rewrite what’s happened to me
Invent a new future
I’d be a charming protagonist
I would.

Grace

Guess what, grace? I don’t understand you.
In this cash-in and receive society, that is a bad trade.

To-Do List:
cleaning and re-cleaning
tucking away ugly loose ends
washing my hair once again
smoothing over things that don’t matter

The Mundane
convinces me that I don’t need you, grace.
It robs me of time and reality
it reduces life
to tidy equations:
a garble of outward success,
checking off lists,
and self-sufficiency.

I catch a glimpse of The Giver of grace.
my soul drinks
I fade.

Come here, grace.
The Mundane isn’t trustworthy.
I’m going to The Giver.