You sing

communication isn’t necessarily lots of words

I’m

on the guitar

a hum, a learning with the pull

there is a sound that reminds me of You

a longing

in the 7^th of the chord

a tendency to want

want want

there’s a particular attention You give in the quiet

I’m learning that love is consistent

You are consistent

when sound ends you remain

tangible 

in the gracious way

You show up

I’m unhinged again

and again

a cadence

you chose

cake batter ice cream

and exclaimed about the sun

so large in the hazy Ohio evening

wiggling in my Toyota
to my npr podcast

you make me smile, boy

there is something so familiar about you

a brother

proven when you met my mom

(she immediately loved you)

I wish you could know 

now

that you don't need 

the acceptance you desire
I wish you could know
in your pulse
that you are enough

grace is always more

the familiarity of the way you

grab my heart

never with

force

only with tenderness

that familiar fear that 

I won't be 

enough

but grace is more

grace is always more

tuesday

saturated color

dipping our heads in the pond

looking at pink sky and corn fields

upside-down

the earth seems ridiculously curved

golden skin and murky

cold waters

it was the hottest day of the year

and our legs are finally soothed

monday evening

pulling you up as mud cakes your sandals

tears in your eyes about stars

I understand this emotion

I knew we would be friends

and I could cry about the fit

about how you say that you always had a sense that

God exists

the golden evening on your parent’s porch

we exist

slowly

like children unaware of

how summer will end

I have this sense

you are

with earth and sycamore and

water

eyes shining

both hands up

I have this sense that your love has the rare depth

of excitement

it is a privilege to love you as

a sister

july

you cannot ever have it all

isn’t that the point?

to want and

desire

feeling the lack and hitting the wall

again to climb

the passion of pursuit

there’s a joy in seeking

my dear

hard work has its own payoff

holding your hands

praying again for rain

it has rained all july

holding your head

underneath is

a little boy

and I want to grow with you

I want to grow 

I made feelings

an idol

I am not enough in my own mind

burrow in your skin

to feel closer

to have your sticky shoulders

I don’t know how to 

let go

I am screaming for comfort

to be enough.

covered in your skin to just
forget
to protect the little I house
to silence the idol
I hate.

asking for forgiveness

prayer

by your open door

it’s raining on me

you don’t even have a shirt on

you are hiding in a blanket

i can feel my pulse in my chest

i don’t know where to sit

i am glad, really

that it took this long

to return to your home
to see that you're human
to cry finally
and not be afraid

healing takes an openness
to see

yes i love you

you wouldn't give up on me
the emotion of it all
the focus
is dripping into my heart
my body
love is a strong word
yes.
i love you.

new

in the car
in the dirt
it is so terrifying to see
jealousy
as the waitress so easily gets you to talk

you are distracted by lights
glass
i am trying to catch your gaze
i am trying to open you
but are my efforts
boxing you in?

maybe i need to let go
back to day one
go back go back
back to day one
where we agreed to not hurt one another
where we agreed to take it day by day

you wanted
you waited
i can be steady
i can wait
i will trust

blur

there’s you

through bits

of trying to fill the hollow that life sometimes brings

a sadness that is free and vague

I expect better of myself

I expect more

a wind I ache for

makes it hard to see

my hair is now long enough

to fall in my eyes

sunlight is a blessing

but what happens when

I decide I need it

and it’s not around?

blurry-eyed and wanting

focus

wanting to shake this

unfamiliar distrust

wanting to forget scattered 

thoughts

I don’t want to use you

to gain clarity

I don’t just want to use you

to feel better

room 155 eating thai
it is pretty warm in this little room
and the piano sounds are a bit warped
i wish i had the confidence to
play to you what i know

\\

you look down and find
the best rocks by the creek
your collection all fossils and shapes
mine all color
now lined on my window sill
from biggest to smallest
are yours by the bathroom sink
in your parent's home?

//

the trees at night
and the buildings are more beautiful
slightly masked
highlighted by street lights
holding your hand and looking up

\\

in your car talking about

homes

and windows

and lots of color

and that mural that may become the lifetime work

rooftop gardens

clean lines

i like how you get to talking

and just don't stop

forgive

i can when
i remember how you
washed me in your grace

sinking into the water
the glow of the sun above
still
unbreathing

i am caught off-guard
when i see my own
decay
a darkness i want to hide

but one touch
one encounter with just the hem
of your robe
one word
one cleansing in your river

i am then
able to give so much
more

i am then able to see

past fear

"my dear, my dear

the only one limiting you

is you,"

I hear myself tell my friend

as I crumble the deteriorating porch step

with my right foot

concrete falling

risk

it

slide guitar and windows cracked

it’s folk Friday on NPR

it is June and so cold

You are here in my

Bones

the cadence of your steadiness 

in the rise and fall

of the sun

of my breathing chest

in my listening and in my chatter

You are here in my DNA and

You are supplying the faith

enough faith

for today

be near me 

let your presence urge me

forward

let your spirit grow

me 

to struggle past fear

the streams he couldn’t control

the rush that knocked down fortifications

truths I

operated under

things I didn’t even know

steadied me

the unfastening

has taught me to second guess

what an ugly

wound

need

i need exhalation

i am reminded within the hollows

within the sunlight

driving too fast

thinking, thinking

the silence

i need a sound

i need a purpose

together

stromboli in the

oven

it is apparent that

I’m

not the same

messy about emotions

laughing about it

together

shrubs and trains and milkweed

surround the hill

you just hold me so sweetly

something I cannot

let go of

I need the familiarity of family

coming home

to mom singing African hymns and

bringing flowers for grandma

let’s talk about nothing and something

the release of the day in my mother’s wink

at the table with everyone

while grandma rambles on
and Simon grabs more watermelon

the light in my little room as the world

darkens

the white blanket and pages and pages

of fashion

inward

it is because I am afraid

not because I am any better

it is because I don’t want to see

the mess of emotion

the unsorted words

and heaviness

I am afraid of the sensation of

losing control and saying things

I do not mean

or maybe deeply mean

I wouldn’t want that transfer

to define the ones I love

current

your anger

a current you’re riding

verbal rage

spewing the hurt of neglect

sadly I thought

listening could help

“Get out of my fucking car,”

you said.

I’m angry now too

but I won’t say a word.

the hint

it’s

the overly sweet taste of

that Sunday and I’m remembering

the words about smiling

“Would it kill you to smile?”

finally

remnants of caramel and

chocolate and espresso

shallow breathing

trying to remain calm

because that is my only defense

if I can just be

I snapped

my own anger never a

yell

only hinted by sarcastic

jabs said steadily

more calm than you