Did you learn to love?

When I finally get there

When I finally get to stand before you

When you finally ask me,

“Did you learn to love, Roberta?”

I want, desperately, to say yes

I want to talk about how your love

Infiltrated and mixed within me

Stirred me up and woke me

To beauty and honesty

I want to say your name

To say that you are my love

That I learned from you

When you found me

And that this blend

This give and take

This union changed my eyes

Changed my lips

Changed my hands

Changed my heart

The beauty of you

Taught me how to truly love others

The beauty of you

Tied my heart

My body

My mind

To you

my heart is moved

You are the color

that paints this morning

It is spring and I am gulping new air

You are words

that decorate my heart

It is spring and I miss You so much

You are intuitive movement

tenderly showing me sky and stillness

It is spring and I am rising from dirt

2013

my fingerprints are your lines

patterns of you

my hope

ingrained and swirling

help me look 

for you

everyday. 

a song

you have always been a song to me
trickling into cracks
filling me
with light

my melody

I am melody

with lows softly rising

to new heights

to life that swells
draw near to hear
my cadence

this beating heart

these clapping hands

my open declarations

of love for you

there is more

today I realized

the frailty

of my body

feelings in flux

hidden sickness hissing through

veins

the

rules to follow

just won’t heal this infirmity

but you broke into me

with words

saying

I love your heart

more than air

more than any tree

I love you more than the sky

I am here

calling out the restless depths in you

that long for more

I am here 

rest.

I am here

with scars that healed

I am here, arms wide

waiting

for you 

for you to return home

my incomplete list of small pleasures

Contagious smiles

Poems read aloud

Polka dot socks

Morning light                       

Breakfast with a good friend

Snow while driving

Leaving others baked goods on the sly

Barefoot traveling

Good handwriting days

Open windows

Coffee on the porch

Rereading an old favorite book

Learning a new word

Beginnings

Bad nicknames

Celebrating with silly party hats

Ridiculous puns

Songs defining time

Old lady stories

no need for penance

You say hit me

But

I want to cry out

To make a cut

To give you a piece of

My heart

To let you feel

That I forgave you

before I entered

the things we want we choose

this is the start of the belief

that I am never

trapped.

open

you held me there

with gentle grace

you taught an angry heart

to open

again and again

I breath in this

life

this embrace has found the 

core of me

sinking, rising

roots sink deeper and deeper

into earth, into dirt

but if I stay there I

deny the undeniable

the truth of the tree rising

towards light

nov. 24

you've penetrated skin

with spoken words

snow falling on my coat

it is too quiet in this house

of mine

it is too loud in this restless mind

but I can sit here

I can rest 

with You.

learning

could

you ever earn

back

balance

my trust?

I seem to stammer though the

yells

now and then

and then dissociate completely

but part of me knows

love is more

love means more

love conquerors more

love pays 

all debt

worship

joy and mutual love—beauty

in our unrehearsed declaration

in our human form and impossibilities

in the very depths drawing out

the fullness

of simple worship

the gun

if I hate you I hate me too

you looked at me with tears in your eyes

I couldn’t even connect with

the fragile and strong alike

on your face

if I hate you I hate me too

and every person because we are all capable of letting anger become a gun that

shatters

the fragile and strong alike

if I hate you I hate me too

I said it with a tremor because I felt deeply

fragile and strong alike

because I just cannot take these

wounds without a fight

today at the deli

Tell me

do you bury 

your regrets

with every

nuance of restoration?
sanding away years

Little one, have you

Seen too much?

The old house

a project

with An End in mind.

your efforts have paved
little lines around your focused eyes

your house needs mending, yes
but I forgot to tell you that

you don't have to

work alone

aren't we all hobbling around
with hurts that need
a heart to burn and a touch to reassure
and a love to heal?

elemental

In the coffee

Like

up to my knees

Spilling stuff and

He is taking

(without my incessant

analyzing all the whys)

such a keen interest in stuff

that hurts so much

And now everything is blurry

Because emotions are sometimes

They. just.

 happen.

and

that

is no simple thing

stars

stare into the clear sky
feeling inadequate in the universe

dance in a parking lot
with a girl i want to kiss

get breakfast at ihop
and laugh about things that are only funny when you're tired

feel the rush
of plummeting down a rollercoaster's hill

feeling inadequate in the universe
with a girl i want to kiss
and laugh about things that are only funny when you're tired
of plummeting down a rollercoaster's hill

stare into the clear sky
dance in the parking lot
get breakfast at ihop
feel the rush

stare into
a girl

get tired
of down

i want
only
the rush

the universe
to kiss
and laugh

and feel

Hope is not Fragile

I am dirt
with breakable bones
and aging skin

I am heart
with aching desires, with blood
and pulsing movement

I am light
with an unspoken Word
bursting life

I am one
with You
and my finite complexities are
complete in eternal love

my expression

i am around only for a short

time to express clearly

and tenderly my love

death

i am choosing a death
of my own plans and
the quiet beauty of it is so humbling

For You

 I love the way

You simplify me

to breath and movement

and desire

For You.

your love

& now
somehow
i'm not thinking about my imperfections
no
i'm thinking about you
i'm thinking about
your love
& a miracle is happening
somehow
this opening, this love
is the remedy
that is healing even the residue of
those deep cuts

wind

this rushing
this wind
took this shell
shook this shell
and awakened
a desire
reverberating back
to your heart

i am shaking and
waking and wanting your love
more
and more

so breathe
so dance
so fling open your longing
'cause i
am yours

all things new

i remember when you spoke to me
and i
without question
because of love
(because of love!)
forgot my inabilities
forgot who i'm not
and felt fully the intense delight of who
you said i am

feed my heart
feed my spirit
i'm not satisfied yet

need

wall

the light

find the light
i heard you say
over and over
it was a rhythm
it was a song
a part of my breathing and
ultimately my heart

i traced the freckles on my hand back to
the dirt
i made my home in the familiarity of
the known
what i see
everyday mundane
my thinking, my perceiving

but finally finally
i looked up
and so
i flung open
all words and melody cleansing 
and so
i found you.

sincere

push & pull

the business

it seems

blackout

keep going

push forward

falling

for such a thing

falling into the world

of hunger and disappointment

the grit and ache of

fitting together  all the frayed

bits

falling
into the embrace

connected to

a touch that heals

a depth that satisfies

the falling

falling falling

into

pain

into

love.

a prayer

give me a
heart
  that is not afraid

to yearn

the melody

I traced your lips

  singing the same

               melody

 and I

 found

 the tears

             of

 feeling more

       than this life can
                        hope to satisfy

 that truth

      —a hollowness

       in this body,

       a shaking like none other,

       a weariness resonating

           the steady invitation 

                     for more

the same

You

on my couch

spewing words

a song of sorts

that wouldn’t end.

I sunk to forget my choices

wishing I was

elsewhere

deeper into the floor

trying to erase

the past shame.

Chet

“something profound and

beautiful is happening in you and you don’t know

how to take it”

I am twirling my straw

attempting not to

cry

for once you

are right.

bursting

sitting in your car

trying to understand

trying to communicate well

being vulnerable and open

trying to not let any bitterness or misunderstanding get between us

—that is beauty.

I still go back to that

(over and over, actually)

I still go back to

the felt joy of meeting you at all

letting gratefulness suture

those gaping holes of fear

of doubt

I will keep trusting
that I will see you again

probably under that pine tree

with a celebratory cupcake

meteor shower

when you’re 7 the middle of the night is

so startling

but she has that smile and

I’m so curious why

we sneak outside

resting our blanket on the warm concrete

right in the middle of the street

she points up

207 was the official count

I will never forget

free

freedom

is the newness that greets my mornings

the softness that meets hurried sighs

finding me with

pretenses unraveling  

in a space without limits 

grateful

sometimes

I forget—

when I focus too much on little things that will not last—

I forget
about beauty

truly we are all a part of

beauty  

&

how privileged

I am

to see 

at all

snippets

i.

I shoved my desk

across my room

it now faces the window

for painting

ii.

the mailman finally

took the note we wrote

(thanking him for his unending service,

excluding federal holidays)

just as I was about to write him

another

iii.

dancing with a one year old

is simply

the best.

summer

I will

give in to summertime

telling fear a simple

no

I will

be untidy about lines

freedom in

coffee stains and

a lamp and a guitar

psalms felt with spirit

with passion

I will

risk it all to hear

just the sound of your voice

just the whisper at night

with the fan on low

I will

admit I have been slow

in growing

but summer

I hear

is when things swell

homesick

i know you've been waiting
with arms open
and a heart ready
i know you've been waiting for me
to come home

restless

what if a year from now I am still mopping floors

the same place, the same old

windows facing a parking lot with the sunrise

in the morning

will I doubt

will I plead with raw skin

with eyes down

with a heart unsatisfied

facing the brick wall

tracing the past

to please please please

have

something

new

You.

I miss

you

in the all-consuming

crying in the checkout line

buying bananas

sort of way.

I have not forgotten

how easily we became best friends.

I will not forget.

hope

find me within

nightfall

meet my

brokenness

heal with your steady whisper

because I know you

I know you

I know you think the best

of me

even when I offer filthy rags

home

snow is covering me

little branches

are still reaching out

up

I will return

I will return home

Sting

Choppy thoughts and messed up hair

Miles to sort out

My eyes are welling too much

Lately

I’ve wanted to cover some of the

Freedom

I’ve found

Regressing back to sarcasm

Back to sleep.

smile

gold hues

wispy clouds

we’re chucking donuts

(our favorite kinds)

off the jones’ memorial

when I’m with you

I feel like a kid again

living deep
without thinking about

time

bright afternoon

the release of

closing my eyes

lost in melody

with an old friend

saying nothing

drinking soda from bottles
light flickering through bare trees

driving home

tonight

I want you to

know

that I see this is painful

your eyes were down

and I wanted to just

hold your

shaking hands

free

I think the beauty of this is that

it is beyond us

in a way that is causing us to open

freeing

both pain and love

and maybe now is about

focusing on that
focusing on

freeing more pain

freeing more love

deeper

I needed to give

beyond what I thought

possible

so I sat on the floor

and remembered your

heart

the pause

grinding coffee

you met my glance

gently asked me to talk

tears brimming and red-faced

I confessed my pain

the pressure

how much I care

I needed to be heard

wanted to be open
however raw and unkempt

and you

you listened

you shared the weight

your beautiful heart

paused for me

communion

this time

it will be more than a taste

this time

it will surpass

shifting emotions or what I see as reality

this time

I will swallow the bread

take you in

and claim

that you have always been

enough

I love you

for the fragments I offer

for

my feeble love

I am

swelling into something

spacious

into a life mended

by the spirit who

never

gives up

liar's paradox

when i apologized on the phone
she said everything to deny my wrongdoing
but we never talked again
cause i think she finally saw the truth in it

i wish i didn't tell her
because it was only true once i said it

give

i can give
up dreams
but i can't stop
giving
love.

hope

this time it’s different

this time

I have the infinite
security of your arms

falls will

echo how

protected

I am

pressed but safe

when 

I ache

I’ll press deeper

into the embrace

of grace

the exhibition

the certain charm

of looking out windows

on the top floor
during algebra

childhood

bubbles in milk
hats with ear-flaps
and always being
the dance champ

little cues

hey,

someone fix that door

at work

that flings open from the

unmanageable wind.

I guess I’m not doing

well

I guess I might be

angry

grow

I could be

stained with anger

crawling into a comfortable bitterness

into a quilt

hibernating until the heat

of summer

forces me out

but tear me wide open

I will feel the penetrating ache of missing

you

letting time pass slowly

without resentment

without forgetting our dreams:

painted tire swings on every tree of the cemetery

and

eating maple pecan granola in our morning bowls

collaging together with tea, snow falling under streetlights

I will cry most days, maybe

but this, this

this throbbing flow of hope

this rawness creating innocence

a continual newness

is better than being immobilized

frustrated

so grow

within me

light

push out any darkness

I’m yielded

startled

but 

ready

the pulse

light rousing eyes

water swishing

coffee’s dripping

it’s early

but never too early

to take in this breathing world

to exhale thank you 

brand new

missteps

corrected

rags

mended

rip me open

find the light

déjà vu

the weirdest feeling

praying

with a paintbrush

coffee smells

and swirling color

this is real

under a pine tree
branch arms outstretched

covering us

a zillion light bulbs:

spotlights
for our night

if this is
if this is real

i never want to sleep

4:23

as I study your face

decorated by afternoon sun

my heart expands to make room

for all this

grandma

philadelphia art museum
with you
dreams were big
as we talked about gaudí

about sitting on roofs
though i’ve given up dreams
for now
that held weight
i wish i had grabbed your hand
while i sat with you
scrunched together on that little chair

yesterday, reading wordsworth
i’m the same
really
i promise
to show you we’re still connected

i promise i yearn
even

your hands fit

wait

reflecting and noticing light

eyes

minds

being true

all

securely giving

and I’m not afraid anymore

nothing rushed

because we have the time

to search out the perfect marble

we have the time

to savor  

sweetness

reach

 i.

what

I love

about you
most

is the way you reach

reach

reach

Always.

ii.

standing there all

bundled:

a puffy coat

mittens poking half-out of full pockets

a scarf wrapped to the chin

can barely move

I realize

I feel like a child

iii.

I break.

thoughts 

days

repeat, repeat, repeat

scattered and poignant 

I'm afraid 

I'm afraid

still, still!

but gently
you calm me

a word
a whisper
a knowing 

it’ll be okay

I Admit

Seeing a jumble and making conclusions
a goofy kaleidoscope lens--a snap reflex
I admit I point and shoot your limitations like I see so
clearly

jeopardy

i suppose he was content
enough.
maybe he didn’t even think about how he felt
–why waste thoughts on that?
jeopardy was on and he was at his station,
the dinner plate resting oh his belly,
the remote to his left,
his answers always right.

honest

it is past 11
i'm sitting on
my bed
just made
somehow rumpled
you are driving, driving
talking talking
it is hard to follow
you.

being honest with myself
hurts
being honest with you
hurts
things were so orderly
and now i'm
losing my voice

please just stay on the phone
and don't be too angry
please keep talking
and i'll try to
believe

slow down

i.
every passing truck
40 at least
lit up the cold
damp highway
it was much too close,
i remember.
you said your thoughts
it was too much
too bright
a flash in my face
and i,
confused,
labeled you"self-righteous"
quickly
to protect
to understand.

ii.
teach me how to slow
to wait
to see the truth of a person
a painful stretch, reaching
but such nearness
remains.

curious

you tell me that there are things I wouldn’t want to know
impossibly dark things
I breathe to take it all in
trying to
because maybe even this vague admission is the best you can give
why even understand
what you’re
telling in hesitation?
trying me
testing my curiosity
no, maybe my limits
of acceptance, of love
I find myself asking, “what, then, is the worst thing you’ve done?”
"I don’t mean to pry,"
I falter,
"but
something in you
wants
to be free."

work

sometimes you're high
at work
but hey, you're still chopping
onions
just fine
sometimes i wonder what you think
of me
so quiet
sometimes i think back to
my unrestrained chatter
so nervous and unaware
of the broken world
that first summer
working
i'll gladly do dishes
if i get a smile

unedit

i think i'm alive
really alive
when i'm in my car
in between
places
with no pressure
of editing speech
or action
or fitting snugly
into expectations
where i can chew with my mouth open
and sing songs loudly or softly
when i pray and feel
and smell and breathe
when i am free to roam
and simply go
without
pressure of tomorrow
or yesterday
without
deciding if the time is good or bad
this is when i live
in
the
wide open
moment

late call

a secret
lost on our
unequal sentiments

he dodged my
obvious interest with flattery
of another

deflections and rejections
and mumbled ends about
being tired

silly me
called a boy
much
too
late.

summer routine

i sat on my porch
ready to put up a wall
and instead i'm happy
that you biked over to simply talk about
grapes
and hopefully
this
will be routine

divided

divided

a part of me clings to
reality
that life crushes
with bills, jobs
expectations
loneliness
routine
why marvel in the little things when
weightier matters press?

but a larger part still innocently
hopes
for spontaneity in the everyday
because living is about
seizing
even small opportunities
it’s waking
with anticipation
it’s splashing in mud puddles
and choosing to believe the best
about my boss
it’s an eager
waiting
and loving even when it
hurts

South Dakota

barefoot and goofy, we launched into field
yelling warnings about prickles
after the sound of whooshing cars and the flashes of headlights faded
far, far away
we unzipped the sleeping bag
we huddled in close
silent and aware of hands and feet
we looked up at the bright

promise me

needing coffee
needing a word
remind me this
is worth it
promise me
it’s worth it
because waking
is sometimes hard

poetry class

poetry class was hell
because you sat across from me
and most days you skipped anyhow
we all sat in a circle
to feel metaphors together
and I rolled my eyes
trying to separate from dishonesty

consort

his benefit concert
I contemplated going
all day
I did
to be strumming the guitar
with goofy socks for something really important and meaningful, probably
like kids with aids
makes him feel worthwhile

I know deeply
there’s courage tucked in security
and that’s what he’s looking for
not some cheap admiration
some ego tweaking guitar gig
but how do I even say that
soft and unhurried
so he hears?

what if(s)

it’s morning and I’m pleading
with the bright sun
I’m breathing lightly
stepping lightly
tormented
tossing
thinking
I’ll never get back

on the way to work
pinkish sky in my peripheral
memories at the forefront
still and sorry
remembering seems to steal today
minutes pass
dormant

a crust of white snow
I must decide
to make something
new

never did call you samuel

i.
my hair was short
when we first met
now it’s long
it’s so long
since we’ve
said a thing

ii.
turning
thirty
is that a dirty word to him?
I often pray while singing
he’ll probably never
know those songs
for him

iii.
I’m terrified
that
trusting is the
hardest part

The Weekend

i woke up with my lamp already on

memories desperately tried to link
the series of conscious mes
but despite my best efforts

atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

you eventually called me
and when i agreed to see you
you knew my voice

but on our date
you told your church group that
we were just friends
and on the hay ride
despite my best efforts
i never once touched you
and in the car on the way home
conversation was sparse in the wrong way
and i could tell you didn't know me

because atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

---------------------------------------------

i couldn't let myself sleep

i wanted to hold onto this
as long as i could
so i turned on the light
hoping it would keep me awake

as i stared at the ceiling
i focused on the timbre of your voice
and the black knit gloves you insisted on wearing inside
to keep from biting your nails

and how slowly and carefully
you laid your head on my shoulder
and the warmth of your breath

i focused on that perfume you always wear
and how cute a look you give me
when i do something out of the ordinary for you

and i remembered the time
we went to the football game and the weather was awful
so we were stuck under an umbrella

it was cold so i went to get
hot chocolate from the concession stand
and tim was working the stand
he gave me two cups and i spilled a bit from the one
but it just kept pouring from the cup
and the rain fell harder and stung my cheeks
while mud and chocolate rose together
and the warm murky water swept me away

---------------------------------------------

who let us sit beside each other?

it's nice cause
i was tired of being
beside myself

falling asleep on your shoulder
was probably intentional
and when i woke you were still there

we ate in the parking lot
and in a wordless conversation
i wrapped my arm around you
as you leaned into me

and in the car on the way home
we shared pillows and glances sort of awkwardly
you woke me up when we got there
and hugged me like you knew me

and maybe you did know me

rebuilding

being fully
broken
being me
without definition
the external securities dried up
left
with the clarity of powerlessness
but clarity
nevertheless

kitchen talk

nightly dishes
late
you decided to
tell me
then
one bulb over the sink
I focused on the puddle
of light on the counter
you told me
softly
stay home

misty tuesday

& when you came in
I thought your sister from Italy
was your new girlfriend
blonde & beautiful

& when you hugged me
I missed you
& knew that we were
finally
fine

erasing

the newness
of white
erasing
took me from that contained dorm room

gloves and you
with me
boots and hat
together

of course
on that pier
you looked me in the eyes
deliberate

I was nervous
and aware

I didn't want words
definition
words about you and me
us

just wanted a walk
embracing snow
allowing the uncertainty of flakes
swirling
to hide the world
a momentary blurring of reality

wanted to forget studies
to forget work and emails
to forget expectations
to forget

and for
once
not make

anything

acceptance

I want to tell you
loudly
than any outward success of my own
was never as
unfathomable
as lasting
as bottomless
as your unyielding acceptance:
such love has the depth of
pain and failure
hope
and life

far away

I never thought
these city streets
would be home
that tracing memories in my car
would be normal
that thoughts could wander
blurring this now familiar
scenery
snapping by