sincere

push & pull

the business

it seems

blackout

keep going

push forward

falling

for such a thing

falling into the world

of hunger and disappointment

the grit and ache of

fitting together  all the frayed

bits

falling
into the embrace

connected to

a touch that heals

a depth that satisfies

the falling

falling falling

into

pain

into

love.

a prayer

give me a
heart
  that is not afraid

to yearn

the melody

I traced your lips

  singing the same

               melody

 and I

 found

 the tears

             of

 feeling more

       than this life can
                        hope to satisfy

 that truth

      —a hollowness

       in this body,

       a shaking like none other,

       a weariness resonating

           the steady invitation 

                     for more

the same

You

on my couch

spewing words

a song of sorts

that wouldn’t end.

I sunk to forget my choices

wishing I was

elsewhere

deeper into the floor

trying to erase

the past shame.

Chet

“something profound and

beautiful is happening in you and you don’t know

how to take it”

I am twirling my straw

attempting not to

cry

for once you

are right.

bursting

sitting in your car

trying to understand

trying to communicate well

being vulnerable and open

trying to not let any bitterness or misunderstanding get between us

—that is beauty.

I still go back to that

(over and over, actually)

I still go back to

the felt joy of meeting you at all

letting gratefulness suture

those gaping holes of fear

of doubt

I will keep trusting
that I will see you again

probably under that pine tree

with a celebratory cupcake

meteor shower

when you’re 7 the middle of the night is

so startling

but she has that smile and

I’m so curious why

we sneak outside

resting our blanket on the warm concrete

right in the middle of the street

she points up

207 was the official count

I will never forget

free

freedom

is the newness that greets my mornings

the softness that meets hurried sighs

finding me with

pretenses unraveling  

in a space without limits 

grateful

sometimes

I forget—

when I focus too much on little things that will not last—

I forget
about beauty

truly we are all a part of

beauty  

&

how privileged

I am

to see 

at all

snippets

i.

I shoved my desk

across my room

it now faces the window

for painting

ii.

the mailman finally

took the note we wrote

(thanking him for his unending service,

excluding federal holidays)

just as I was about to write him

another

iii.

dancing with a one year old

is simply

the best.

summer

I will

give in to summertime

telling fear a simple

no

I will

be untidy about lines

freedom in

coffee stains and

a lamp and a guitar

psalms felt with spirit

with passion

I will

risk it all to hear

just the sound of your voice

just the whisper at night

with the fan on low

I will

admit I have been slow

in growing

but summer

I hear

is when things swell

homesick

i know you've been waiting
with arms open
and a heart ready
i know you've been waiting for me
to come home

restless

what if a year from now I am still mopping floors

the same place, the same old

windows facing a parking lot with the sunrise

in the morning

will I doubt

will I plead with raw skin

with eyes down

with a heart unsatisfied

facing the brick wall

tracing the past

to please please please

have

something

new

You.

I miss

you

in the all-consuming

crying in the checkout line

buying bananas

sort of way.

I have not forgotten

how easily we became best friends.

I will not forget.

hope

find me within

nightfall

meet my

brokenness

heal with your steady whisper

because I know you

I know you

I know you think the best

of me

even when I offer filthy rags

home

snow is covering me

little branches

are still reaching out

up

I will return

I will return home

Sting

Choppy thoughts and messed up hair

Miles to sort out

My eyes are welling too much

Lately

I’ve wanted to cover some of the

Freedom

I’ve found

Regressing back to sarcasm

Back to sleep.

smile

gold hues

wispy clouds

we’re chucking donuts

(our favorite kinds)

off the jones’ memorial

when I’m with you

I feel like a kid again

living deep
without thinking about

time

bright afternoon

the release of

closing my eyes

lost in melody

with an old friend

saying nothing

drinking soda from bottles
light flickering through bare trees

driving home

tonight

I want you to

know

that I see this is painful

your eyes were down

and I wanted to just

hold your

shaking hands

free

I think the beauty of this is that

it is beyond us

in a way that is causing us to open

freeing

both pain and love

and maybe now is about

focusing on that
focusing on

freeing more pain

freeing more love

deeper

I needed to give

beyond what I thought

possible

so I sat on the floor

and remembered your

heart

the pause

grinding coffee

you met my glance

gently asked me to talk

tears brimming and red-faced

I confessed my pain

the pressure

how much I care

I needed to be heard

wanted to be open
however raw and unkempt

and you

you listened

you shared the weight

your beautiful heart

paused for me

communion

this time

it will be more than a taste

this time

it will surpass

shifting emotions or what I see as reality

this time

I will swallow the bread

take you in

and claim

that you have always been

enough

I love you

for the fragments I offer

for

my feeble love

I am

swelling into something

spacious

into a life mended

by the spirit who

never

gives up

liar's paradox

when i apologized on the phone
she said everything to deny my wrongdoing
but we never talked again
cause i think she finally saw the truth in it

i wish i didn't tell her
because it was only true once i said it

give

i can give
up dreams
but i can't stop
giving
love.

hope

this time it’s different

this time

I have the infinite
security of your arms

falls will

echo how

protected

I am

pressed but safe

when 

I ache

I’ll press deeper

into the embrace

of grace

the exhibition

the certain charm

of looking out windows

on the top floor
during algebra

childhood

bubbles in milk
hats with ear-flaps
and always being
the dance champ

little cues

hey,

someone fix that door

at work

that flings open from the

unmanageable wind.

I guess I’m not doing

well

I guess I might be

angry

grow

I could be

stained with anger

crawling into a comfortable bitterness

into a quilt

hibernating until the heat

of summer

forces me out

but tear me wide open

I will feel the penetrating ache of missing

you

letting time pass slowly

without resentment

without forgetting our dreams:

painted tire swings on every tree of the cemetery

and

eating maple pecan granola in our morning bowls

collaging together with tea, snow falling under streetlights

I will cry most days, maybe

but this, this

this throbbing flow of hope

this rawness creating innocence

a continual newness

is better than being immobilized

frustrated

so grow

within me

light

push out any darkness

I’m yielded

startled

but 

ready

the pulse

light rousing eyes

water swishing

coffee’s dripping

it’s early

but never too early

to take in this breathing world

to exhale thank you 

brand new

missteps

corrected

rags

mended

rip me open

find the light

déjà vu

the weirdest feeling

praying

with a paintbrush

coffee smells

and swirling color

this is real

under a pine tree
branch arms outstretched

covering us

a zillion light bulbs:

spotlights
for our night

if this is
if this is real

i never want to sleep

4:23

as I study your face

decorated by afternoon sun

my heart expands to make room

for all this

grandma

philadelphia art museum
with you
dreams were big
as we talked about gaudí

about sitting on roofs
though i’ve given up dreams
for now
that held weight
i wish i had grabbed your hand
while i sat with you
scrunched together on that little chair

yesterday, reading wordsworth
i’m the same
really
i promise
to show you we’re still connected

i promise i yearn
even

your hands fit

wait

reflecting and noticing light

eyes

minds

being true

all

securely giving

and I’m not afraid anymore

nothing rushed

because we have the time

to search out the perfect marble

we have the time

to savor  

sweetness

reach

 i.

what

I love

about you
most

is the way you reach

reach

reach

Always.

ii.

standing there all

bundled:

a puffy coat

mittens poking half-out of full pockets

a scarf wrapped to the chin

can barely move

I realize

I feel like a child

iii.

I break.

thoughts 

days

repeat, repeat, repeat

scattered and poignant 

I'm afraid 

I'm afraid

still, still!

but gently
you calm me

a word
a whisper
a knowing 

it’ll be okay

I Admit

Seeing a jumble and making conclusions
a goofy kaleidoscope lens--a snap reflex
I admit I point and shoot your limitations like I see so
clearly

jeopardy

i suppose he was content
enough.
maybe he didn’t even think about how he felt
–why waste thoughts on that?
jeopardy was on and he was at his station,
the dinner plate resting oh his belly,
the remote to his left,
his answers always right.

honest

it is past 11
i'm sitting on
my bed
just made
somehow rumpled
you are driving, driving
talking talking
it is hard to follow
you.

being honest with myself
hurts
being honest with you
hurts
things were so orderly
and now i'm
losing my voice

please just stay on the phone
and don't be too angry
please keep talking
and i'll try to
believe

slow down

i.
every passing truck
40 at least
lit up the cold
damp highway
it was much too close,
i remember.
you said your thoughts
it was too much
too bright
a flash in my face
and i,
confused,
labeled you"self-righteous"
quickly
to protect
to understand.

ii.
teach me how to slow
to wait
to see the truth of a person
a painful stretch, reaching
but such nearness
remains.

curious

you tell me that there are things I wouldn’t want to know
impossibly dark things
I breathe to take it all in
trying to
because maybe even this vague admission is the best you can give
why even understand
what you’re
telling in hesitation?
trying me
testing my curiosity
no, maybe my limits
of acceptance, of love
I find myself asking, “what, then, is the worst thing you’ve done?”
"I don’t mean to pry,"
I falter,
"but
something in you
wants
to be free."

work

sometimes you're high
at work
but hey, you're still chopping
onions
just fine
sometimes i wonder what you think
of me
so quiet
sometimes i think back to
my unrestrained chatter
so nervous and unaware
of the broken world
that first summer
working
i'll gladly do dishes
if i get a smile

unedit

i think i'm alive
really alive
when i'm in my car
in between
places
with no pressure
of editing speech
or action
or fitting snugly
into expectations
where i can chew with my mouth open
and sing songs loudly or softly
when i pray and feel
and smell and breathe
when i am free to roam
and simply go
without
pressure of tomorrow
or yesterday
without
deciding if the time is good or bad
this is when i live
in
the
wide open
moment

late call

a secret
lost on our
unequal sentiments

he dodged my
obvious interest with flattery
of another

deflections and rejections
and mumbled ends about
being tired

silly me
called a boy
much
too
late.

summer routine

i sat on my porch
ready to put up a wall
and instead i'm happy
that you biked over to simply talk about
grapes
and hopefully
this
will be routine

divided

divided

a part of me clings to
reality
that life crushes
with bills, jobs
expectations
loneliness
routine
why marvel in the little things when
weightier matters press?

but a larger part still innocently
hopes
for spontaneity in the everyday
because living is about
seizing
even small opportunities
it’s waking
with anticipation
it’s splashing in mud puddles
and choosing to believe the best
about my boss
it’s an eager
waiting
and loving even when it
hurts

South Dakota

barefoot and goofy, we launched into field
yelling warnings about prickles
after the sound of whooshing cars and the flashes of headlights faded
far, far away
we unzipped the sleeping bag
we huddled in close
silent and aware of hands and feet
we looked up at the bright

promise me

needing coffee
needing a word
remind me this
is worth it
promise me
it’s worth it
because waking
is sometimes hard

poetry class

poetry class was hell
because you sat across from me
and most days you skipped anyhow
we all sat in a circle
to feel metaphors together
and I rolled my eyes
trying to separate from dishonesty

consort

his benefit concert
I contemplated going
all day
I did
to be strumming the guitar
with goofy socks for something really important and meaningful, probably
like kids with aids
makes him feel worthwhile

I know deeply
there’s courage tucked in security
and that’s what he’s looking for
not some cheap admiration
some ego tweaking guitar gig
but how do I even say that
soft and unhurried
so he hears?

what if(s)

it’s morning and I’m pleading
with the bright sun
I’m breathing lightly
stepping lightly
tormented
tossing
thinking
I’ll never get back

on the way to work
pinkish sky in my peripheral
memories at the forefront
still and sorry
remembering seems to steal today
minutes pass
dormant

a crust of white snow
I must decide
to make something
new

never did call you samuel

i.
my hair was short
when we first met
now it’s long
it’s so long
since we’ve
said a thing

ii.
turning
thirty
is that a dirty word to him?
I often pray while singing
he’ll probably never
know those songs
for him

iii.
I’m terrified
that
trusting is the
hardest part

The Weekend

i woke up with my lamp already on

memories desperately tried to link
the series of conscious mes
but despite my best efforts

atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

you eventually called me
and when i agreed to see you
you knew my voice

but on our date
you told your church group that
we were just friends
and on the hay ride
despite my best efforts
i never once touched you
and in the car on the way home
conversation was sparse in the wrong way
and i could tell you didn't know me

because atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

---------------------------------------------

i couldn't let myself sleep

i wanted to hold onto this
as long as i could
so i turned on the light
hoping it would keep me awake

as i stared at the ceiling
i focused on the timbre of your voice
and the black knit gloves you insisted on wearing inside
to keep from biting your nails

and how slowly and carefully
you laid your head on my shoulder
and the warmth of your breath

i focused on that perfume you always wear
and how cute a look you give me
when i do something out of the ordinary for you

and i remembered the time
we went to the football game and the weather was awful
so we were stuck under an umbrella

it was cold so i went to get
hot chocolate from the concession stand
and tim was working the stand
he gave me two cups and i spilled a bit from the one
but it just kept pouring from the cup
and the rain fell harder and stung my cheeks
while mud and chocolate rose together
and the warm murky water swept me away

---------------------------------------------

who let us sit beside each other?

it's nice cause
i was tired of being
beside myself

falling asleep on your shoulder
was probably intentional
and when i woke you were still there

we ate in the parking lot
and in a wordless conversation
i wrapped my arm around you
as you leaned into me

and in the car on the way home
we shared pillows and glances sort of awkwardly
you woke me up when we got there
and hugged me like you knew me

and maybe you did know me

rebuilding

being fully
broken
being me
without definition
the external securities dried up
left
with the clarity of powerlessness
but clarity
nevertheless

kitchen talk

nightly dishes
late
you decided to
tell me
then
one bulb over the sink
I focused on the puddle
of light on the counter
you told me
softly
stay home

misty tuesday

& when you came in
I thought your sister from Italy
was your new girlfriend
blonde & beautiful

& when you hugged me
I missed you
& knew that we were
finally
fine

erasing

the newness
of white
erasing
took me from that contained dorm room

gloves and you
with me
boots and hat
together

of course
on that pier
you looked me in the eyes
deliberate

I was nervous
and aware

I didn't want words
definition
words about you and me
us

just wanted a walk
embracing snow
allowing the uncertainty of flakes
swirling
to hide the world
a momentary blurring of reality

wanted to forget studies
to forget work and emails
to forget expectations
to forget

and for
once
not make

anything

acceptance

I want to tell you
loudly
than any outward success of my own
was never as
unfathomable
as lasting
as bottomless
as your unyielding acceptance:
such love has the depth of
pain and failure
hope
and life

far away

I never thought
these city streets
would be home
that tracing memories in my car
would be normal
that thoughts could wander
blurring this now familiar
scenery
snapping by

found

covered

by this surge of understanding
he saw a burst of my lowest
yet he still saw me
and “solid”
was his conclusion

held

by the swelling sensation of relief
briefly I forgot the bareness
of feeling alone

The Waitress

Alone in the back
Fumbling
With sugar packets
With coffee stains on her apron
With calluses on her toes
With untamed, rampant thoughts

earth science class

it’s your classroom
I haven’t been in school for a year and a half
to sit in it
to listen
it’s weird
now that I’m 20
you search the ceiling for a topic
to teach me

hope

it's invading
I’m almost fighting it
‘cause the space to disappointment will now increase
leading to a painful plummet
but this heart without expectations is sick
so I’ll welcome this newness, this openness, this space
this freedom
enjoying the free fall

little u

it’s the starchy language
it’s telling
the message: “Are u well?”
since a word is so rare
I don’t know what to think

interesting
old cupboards—one’s missing a handle
waiting for water to boil
Jake hugs his girl
now you hug me
I always did hate your use of u

a thing to witness

running
to the tree line
young to the unknown within
watching and replaying
innocent eyes wide to
this surreal reconsideration
of what it means to live

I'll take the moment

at such mundane times I'll throw away caution
alone and out of control
like after I sense the layers of emotion
with each measured pause
I'll stop rehearsing lines
and just live

the wall of legos

christmas '97
and that's just what i wanted
well i mean in general

finally some kind of
favorable wind
though it chills all the way through

approaching reservedly
don't get too excited
cause who knows what'll happen

I knew you'd see me

“no one can offer my vulnerability, but me,”
I echoed, philosophically
that awful murky mess of feelings and thoughts
was sorted haphazardly in front of you
in my eyes
told you exactly what I knew
that excitement of looking at you, squarely

but it sounded hollow to me.

intimate pauses

the best is when you
lean a little
forward, watching
anticipating my next word
like those intimate pauses
between notes

new honesty

his reaction was so pronounced
anger and hurt
grasping
for the rules of this new honesty

less of the same

adulthood and mutual relationships
aren't yet in these
shattering, fractal frames

and although it's a fantastic dream
i guess just an ancillary goal

cause if you take too many steps at once
the film moves backward
stroboscopically

careless

so worried about details
she stared at him across
from her
he was leaning with a smirk
intently watching her while she read
fluorescent lights and white walls
the barren dorm added to the gloom
he freaking used, “gloriousnicity”
in a poem critique

A Childish Thing

She made him tie her shoes
She made him regress back to innocence
“One day,” she whispered,
"I’ll let you know the colors I dream in.”
He held her hand
A childish thing, really
Going back to the lack they both felt

Oct. 6, 2010

1
lost control
only when
you asked
how I'd
been
2
the scalloped potatoes
with salsa
didn’t work
but I do love
her crazy
3
that sky
open and breathe
we’ll be bright
again

Safe Enough

maybe I’ll feel safe enough
to exhale my thoughts
to stop
tiptoeing around deeper things.
maybe.

worth

you don’t need to prove a thing
I’ll tell you over and over
that no matter what
you do
but mostly, no matter what
you don’t do
you still matter

Love

Love
is easy
to understand
when it’s deserved.

Independence

Sometimes
All I want to do
Is make pretty spaces
Where I will sit
Feeling clean and together

the secret

I’m beneath the streetlight watchin’
his shaking hand
as he laughs
at me
I don’t get it
but I don’t feel alone

oh, to fly

feeling especially helpless
a whisper about a bird
and all I can think is "flighty"
not the good things

wishing for travels to far-off places
away from overcast skies, from routine
I don’t mean to be cliché
but don’t caged birds sing?

finding salt and wind and light
maybe that moment when I cried at breakfast
will follow me

those stolen sunglasses--your trophy--rested near
your plate of eggs and hash browns
while I meant to study biology
that casual lounging position of yours
my gaze was fixed on the door

wishing for travels
finding salt
feeling helpless

they say hindsight is twenty-twenty

Well,
My goodbye cookies were in hand
Your arms were outstretched, so happy
Why did I wear a skirt?
I knew the moment I hugged you I failed

empty nearness

but when you’re murmuring in my ear
it’s blurry

how was your day?
smoking and sitting
eating fancy, a guitar to strum, a porch and an old dog
habit
that unavoidable hollowness
of jazz and cards,
of smelling your breath,
of looking you solidly in the eyes
of burning skin
filtering words: a sophistication I cannot enjoy

when I’m sitting far away
it’s clear

undone

can’t this be easy?
snow falling
late tangles and thoughts
overly bright light
parking signs
cheerios

I think you’re beautiful
even with all your half truths
I still find you.


please,
please see that

interested in: girls, xbox

six days in the interim
a drawn out cadence
fueled by downs and loneliness
needy clockwork

three, max
probably closer to two
and i apologize for everything, God
but really nothing

five nights in a row
pictures and sound drone
cause i'm too stressed, i guess

and constant
sleepwalking

helpless and new

a friday night, fading and frail
details melting
but that feeling's still ours

i was helpless and new
so you taught me

swaying to an unheard beat
wordless breaths
hearts near
and your eyes brighter than ever
in the middle of a parking lot

I just want to listen

when I was near
enough, oh, I remember that time like three
years ago
to get used to the smell of
your clothes
was my goal

It was when I really liked something
knew my goals

so weird to be sipping cocoa
with you
now, weary
of life, hunting dreams
me, giving them up
now, living

finding

we met in a field
‘cause it’s so open
unassuming

that newness of
love & beauty
chasing

I took off my shoes
& learned about
dancing

casual sports

summer heat and volleyball
more family i don't know
and unlikely i will

glimpse of distrust between serves

following,
quiet uneasiness met with
cascades of recognition and small talk

i hope you know
i was sore for the next 3 days
and still bruised

over thinking

over
thinking
& tiredness slip
fighting over sighs
all waste glorious day

step away
with the wind

&
fall

really attitude
happiness
ideals
all are relative

step away
with the wind

I’m
over
thinking

summer snippets

on the porch:
microwaved oatmeal
big hair from
turning
observing early morning
the mailman
& his high
socks

3 old
women
sit & disregard
& motion when they’re ready to order
music awful
as in general my impatience rules

Tiki Torches
the fire
intense stars
& a zillion stories and laughs
light our faces
we share a Snapple
rummaging for ease