acceptance

I want to tell you
loudly
than any outward success of my own
was never as
unfathomable
as lasting
as bottomless
as your unyielding acceptance:
such love has the depth of
pain and failure
hope
and life

far away

I never thought
these city streets
would be home
that tracing memories in my car
would be normal
that thoughts could wander
blurring this now familiar
scenery
snapping by

found

covered

by this surge of understanding
he saw a burst of my lowest
yet he still saw me
and “solid”
was his conclusion

held

by the swelling sensation of relief
briefly I forgot the bareness
of feeling alone

The Waitress

Alone in the back
Fumbling
With sugar packets
With coffee stains on her apron
With calluses on her toes
With untamed, rampant thoughts

earth science class

it’s your classroom
I haven’t been in school for a year and a half
to sit in it
to listen
it’s weird
now that I’m 20
you search the ceiling for a topic
to teach me

hope

it's invading
I’m almost fighting it
‘cause the space to disappointment will now increase
leading to a painful plummet
but this heart without expectations is sick
so I’ll welcome this newness, this openness, this space
this freedom
enjoying the free fall

little u

it’s the starchy language
it’s telling
the message: “Are u well?”
since a word is so rare
I don’t know what to think

interesting
old cupboards—one’s missing a handle
waiting for water to boil
Jake hugs his girl
now you hug me
I always did hate your use of u

a thing to witness

running
to the tree line
young to the unknown within
watching and replaying
innocent eyes wide to
this surreal reconsideration
of what it means to live

I'll take the moment

at such mundane times I'll throw away caution
alone and out of control
like after I sense the layers of emotion
with each measured pause
I'll stop rehearsing lines
and just live

the wall of legos

christmas '97
and that's just what i wanted
well i mean in general

finally some kind of
favorable wind
though it chills all the way through

approaching reservedly
don't get too excited
cause who knows what'll happen

I knew you'd see me

“no one can offer my vulnerability, but me,”
I echoed, philosophically
that awful murky mess of feelings and thoughts
was sorted haphazardly in front of you
in my eyes
told you exactly what I knew
that excitement of looking at you, squarely

but it sounded hollow to me.

intimate pauses

the best is when you
lean a little
forward, watching
anticipating my next word
like those intimate pauses
between notes

new honesty

his reaction was so pronounced
anger and hurt
grasping
for the rules of this new honesty

less of the same

adulthood and mutual relationships
aren't yet in these
shattering, fractal frames

and although it's a fantastic dream
i guess just an ancillary goal

cause if you take too many steps at once
the film moves backward
stroboscopically

careless

so worried about details
she stared at him across
from her
he was leaning with a smirk
intently watching her while she read
fluorescent lights and white walls
the barren dorm added to the gloom
he freaking used, “gloriousnicity”
in a poem critique

A Childish Thing

She made him tie her shoes
She made him regress back to innocence
“One day,” she whispered,
"I’ll let you know the colors I dream in.”
He held her hand
A childish thing, really
Going back to the lack they both felt

Oct. 6, 2010

1
lost control
only when
you asked
how I'd
been
2
the scalloped potatoes
with salsa
didn’t work
but I do love
her crazy
3
that sky
open and breathe
we’ll be bright
again

Safe Enough

maybe I’ll feel safe enough
to exhale my thoughts
to stop
tiptoeing around deeper things.
maybe.

worth

you don’t need to prove a thing
I’ll tell you over and over
that no matter what
you do
but mostly, no matter what
you don’t do
you still matter

Love

Love
is easy
to understand
when it’s deserved.

Independence

Sometimes
All I want to do
Is make pretty spaces
Where I will sit
Feeling clean and together

the secret

I’m beneath the streetlight watchin’
his shaking hand
as he laughs
at me
I don’t get it
but I don’t feel alone

oh, to fly

feeling especially helpless
a whisper about a bird
and all I can think is "flighty"
not the good things

wishing for travels to far-off places
away from overcast skies, from routine
I don’t mean to be cliché
but don’t caged birds sing?

finding salt and wind and light
maybe that moment when I cried at breakfast
will follow me

those stolen sunglasses--your trophy--rested near
your plate of eggs and hash browns
while I meant to study biology
that casual lounging position of yours
my gaze was fixed on the door

wishing for travels
finding salt
feeling helpless

they say hindsight is twenty-twenty

Well,
My goodbye cookies were in hand
Your arms were outstretched, so happy
Why did I wear a skirt?
I knew the moment I hugged you I failed

empty nearness

but when you’re murmuring in my ear
it’s blurry

how was your day?
smoking and sitting
eating fancy, a guitar to strum, a porch and an old dog
habit
that unavoidable hollowness
of jazz and cards,
of smelling your breath,
of looking you solidly in the eyes
of burning skin
filtering words: a sophistication I cannot enjoy

when I’m sitting far away
it’s clear

undone

can’t this be easy?
snow falling
late tangles and thoughts
overly bright light
parking signs
cheerios

I think you’re beautiful
even with all your half truths
I still find you.


please,
please see that

interested in: girls, xbox

six days in the interim
a drawn out cadence
fueled by downs and loneliness
needy clockwork

three, max
probably closer to two
and i apologize for everything, God
but really nothing

five nights in a row
pictures and sound drone
cause i'm too stressed, i guess

and constant
sleepwalking

helpless and new

a friday night, fading and frail
details melting
but that feeling's still ours

i was helpless and new
so you taught me

swaying to an unheard beat
wordless breaths
hearts near
and your eyes brighter than ever
in the middle of a parking lot

I just want to listen

when I was near
enough, oh, I remember that time like three
years ago
to get used to the smell of
your clothes
was my goal

It was when I really liked something
knew my goals

so weird to be sipping cocoa
with you
now, weary
of life, hunting dreams
me, giving them up
now, living

finding

we met in a field
‘cause it’s so open
unassuming

that newness of
love & beauty
chasing

I took off my shoes
& learned about
dancing

casual sports

summer heat and volleyball
more family i don't know
and unlikely i will

glimpse of distrust between serves

following,
quiet uneasiness met with
cascades of recognition and small talk

i hope you know
i was sore for the next 3 days
and still bruised

over thinking

over
thinking
& tiredness slip
fighting over sighs
all waste glorious day

step away
with the wind

&
fall

really attitude
happiness
ideals
all are relative

step away
with the wind

I’m
over
thinking

summer snippets

on the porch:
microwaved oatmeal
big hair from
turning
observing early morning
the mailman
& his high
socks

3 old
women
sit & disregard
& motion when they’re ready to order
music awful
as in general my impatience rules

Tiki Torches
the fire
intense stars
& a zillion stories and laughs
light our faces
we share a Snapple
rummaging for ease

unforgetting

I want to impress
with quips and drips
of sarcasm and stuff

it is work—addictive
with a pleasant payoff
it is fine

everytime I wash my hair
with my big black bottle of shampoo
I smell last year

I don’t know
if (how) I can (will) let
go

I'm afraid
of losing

I'm afraid
of being lost

song of solomon 2

for the winter has past and the springtime has come
and you’ve renewed me and you’ve called me
yours

I believe it
I receive it
your love, your refreshing

I want you, deeper, deeper, deeper still
I’m not content with yesterday’s good
the winter has past and the springtime has come

I believe it
I receive it
you’re love, you’re refreshing

you are mine and I am yours
safe within your arms
alive in your beauty
a flower opening

I believe
I receive
you

Tuesday Evening

I liked that shaky vibrato
That you smoked first
To not sound like a church boy
Mostly, though,
I liked the vulnerability
Fans and red guitar
The tinny taste of warm coke
You being you

dance

we were walking, I remember
to the very end of campus
to the dome shaped building
you looked at me for too long
self-conscious now, I looked at the sky

you are too lanky and maybe a little effeminate
so self-indulgent
I remember thinking that
but something about that foolish grin
something about your sincere happiness
something

freckles and blue eyes

a full moon
I hadn’t decided what I felt about you
only that I liked your company
I sat down

Of course you joined me on the cold grass
avoiding your stare
there was a ring around the moon
we both made a remark about it

pulling out your iPod
you asked if I've heard Beirut
each of us had an earpod in
with outstretched hand
you pulled me up

moonlight and clumsy waltzing
I won’t forget
such a sucker for smiles and accordions
so simple and honest

one, two, three

I will seek you
In my weakness
Finding strength in being raw

I will trust you
In the muddle
Knowing that you see it all

I will find you
In the quiet
Waiting for your safe embrace

I will love you
In the open
Seeing people as your face

growth

small, contained, wanting
but buried within your love
winter begets spring

& Bit by Bit, I'll Let Go

I remember sitting on the heat vent
sun in my eyes, my little toes on sticky linoleum
begging my mom to talk to him
sputtering nonsense between gulps of air
to be heard, to make a point


maybe that's where this started
this need to be noticed
this need to prove myself
this need to justify my feelings

this is a start to let go
an ending
because ends are beginnings

open and ready

it’s just that my days are marked
with painful normalcy
tables and chairs
people and their dreadfully dull conversation
the “would you like cream and sugar” and “any dessert today?”
feeling trapped within my building, my job, my role

and tonight it compounded into frustration and bitterness
but not that clear
it was more longing for newness and freedom
for a road trip
for a breeze and a song
sunshine and toes and dirt
it was feeling my lack

I went to my old elementary school
with little white sneakers
and I made my way to the swing set and faced the big field
and childishly pumped and pumped
until the stars seemed closer with every swoosh
silly exhilaration took over
hair a mess
eyes wide
I got a sense of what I wanted

I want an eagerness, a steadiness
a movement forward
I want to forget my yesterdays
I want to shake off my boxes, my boundaries, my logic
and plow into the unknown
I want to live deeply

I want to jump even though I might fall.

a song! a joy!

the steadiness of loving now
beats the heaviness of facts unknown
I can eat my bagel & let go
I can love today & let go

& I’ll let my pinky rest on the high note

I love you

all the feelings in the world
piled on my head
every hair of emotion
and I'm pulling them out
painfully, slowly
methodically, one by one
and forcibly shoving them into three words
I love you

looking at myself
well actually looking at you
but I meant introspective
pitiful, bald, invested
and your response is a hug
and a casual kiss

and the backwards thing is
your reaction meant more
nothing substantial, but more
than all the feelings in the world

if in anger I can say things I don't mean
then can't any feeling betray me?

love without restlessness

walking across the january iced parking lot
your lips will hold a cigarette and smirk
cold drizzle, long jacket
I won’t run
we won’t discuss
a new love will guide me

Tree Haiku

Like last year, she drew
knotted, leafless trees in ink.
“Leaves sprout!” she pleaded.

Café & Simplicity

a
tiny box of sunlight and brick
coffee smell and wood floor
chatter and waiting
for eye contact
for connection
for you

be
here for me
even though you declare
with a snort that I’m a cliché
for supporting a coffee chain instead of
the mom-and-pops next door

see,
I never claimed
I was original.
I am human
so human
so limited
(but united)
by emotion and needs.

Humility

I’ve
tripped
fallen
and stumbled
to see
that there
is beauty
in spite of me.