consort

his benefit concert
I contemplated going
all day
I did
to be strumming the guitar
with goofy socks for something really important and meaningful, probably
like kids with aids
makes him feel worthwhile

I know deeply
there’s courage tucked in security
and that’s what he’s looking for
not some cheap admiration
some ego tweaking guitar gig
but how do I even say that
soft and unhurried
so he hears?

what if(s)

it’s morning and I’m pleading
with the bright sun
I’m breathing lightly
stepping lightly
tormented
tossing
thinking
I’ll never get back

on the way to work
pinkish sky in my peripheral
memories at the forefront
still and sorry
remembering seems to steal today
minutes pass
dormant

a crust of white snow
I must decide
to make something
new

never did call you samuel

i.
my hair was short
when we first met
now it’s long
it’s so long
since we’ve
said a thing

ii.
turning
thirty
is that a dirty word to him?
I often pray while singing
he’ll probably never
know those songs
for him

iii.
I’m terrified
that
trusting is the
hardest part

The Weekend

i woke up with my lamp already on

memories desperately tried to link
the series of conscious mes
but despite my best efforts

atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

you eventually called me
and when i agreed to see you
you knew my voice

but on our date
you told your church group that
we were just friends
and on the hay ride
despite my best efforts
i never once touched you
and in the car on the way home
conversation was sparse in the wrong way
and i could tell you didn't know me

because atoms had changed and
cells had changed and

i embraced the routine

---------------------------------------------

i couldn't let myself sleep

i wanted to hold onto this
as long as i could
so i turned on the light
hoping it would keep me awake

as i stared at the ceiling
i focused on the timbre of your voice
and the black knit gloves you insisted on wearing inside
to keep from biting your nails

and how slowly and carefully
you laid your head on my shoulder
and the warmth of your breath

i focused on that perfume you always wear
and how cute a look you give me
when i do something out of the ordinary for you

and i remembered the time
we went to the football game and the weather was awful
so we were stuck under an umbrella

it was cold so i went to get
hot chocolate from the concession stand
and tim was working the stand
he gave me two cups and i spilled a bit from the one
but it just kept pouring from the cup
and the rain fell harder and stung my cheeks
while mud and chocolate rose together
and the warm murky water swept me away

---------------------------------------------

who let us sit beside each other?

it's nice cause
i was tired of being
beside myself

falling asleep on your shoulder
was probably intentional
and when i woke you were still there

we ate in the parking lot
and in a wordless conversation
i wrapped my arm around you
as you leaned into me

and in the car on the way home
we shared pillows and glances sort of awkwardly
you woke me up when we got there
and hugged me like you knew me

and maybe you did know me

rebuilding

being fully
broken
being me
without definition
the external securities dried up
left
with the clarity of powerlessness
but clarity
nevertheless

kitchen talk

nightly dishes
late
you decided to
tell me
then
one bulb over the sink
I focused on the puddle
of light on the counter
you told me
softly
stay home

misty tuesday

& when you came in
I thought your sister from Italy
was your new girlfriend
blonde & beautiful

& when you hugged me
I missed you
& knew that we were
finally
fine

erasing

the newness
of white
erasing
took me from that contained dorm room

gloves and you
with me
boots and hat
together

of course
on that pier
you looked me in the eyes
deliberate

I was nervous
and aware

I didn't want words
definition
words about you and me
us

just wanted a walk
embracing snow
allowing the uncertainty of flakes
swirling
to hide the world
a momentary blurring of reality

wanted to forget studies
to forget work and emails
to forget expectations
to forget

and for
once
not make

anything

acceptance

I want to tell you
loudly
than any outward success of my own
was never as
unfathomable
as lasting
as bottomless
as your unyielding acceptance:
such love has the depth of
pain and failure
hope
and life

far away

I never thought
these city streets
would be home
that tracing memories in my car
would be normal
that thoughts could wander
blurring this now familiar
scenery
snapping by

found

covered

by this surge of understanding
he saw a burst of my lowest
yet he still saw me
and “solid”
was his conclusion

held

by the swelling sensation of relief
briefly I forgot the bareness
of feeling alone

The Waitress

Alone in the back
Fumbling
With sugar packets
With coffee stains on her apron
With calluses on her toes
With untamed, rampant thoughts

earth science class

it’s your classroom
I haven’t been in school for a year and a half
to sit in it
to listen
it’s weird
now that I’m 20
you search the ceiling for a topic
to teach me

hope

it's invading
I’m almost fighting it
‘cause the space to disappointment will now increase
leading to a painful plummet
but this heart without expectations is sick
so I’ll welcome this newness, this openness, this space
this freedom
enjoying the free fall

little u

it’s the starchy language
it’s telling
the message: “Are u well?”
since a word is so rare
I don’t know what to think

interesting
old cupboards—one’s missing a handle
waiting for water to boil
Jake hugs his girl
now you hug me
I always did hate your use of u

a thing to witness

running
to the tree line
young to the unknown within
watching and replaying
innocent eyes wide to
this surreal reconsideration
of what it means to live

I'll take the moment

at such mundane times I'll throw away caution
alone and out of control
like after I sense the layers of emotion
with each measured pause
I'll stop rehearsing lines
and just live

the wall of legos

christmas '97
and that's just what i wanted
well i mean in general

finally some kind of
favorable wind
though it chills all the way through

approaching reservedly
don't get too excited
cause who knows what'll happen

I knew you'd see me

“no one can offer my vulnerability, but me,”
I echoed, philosophically
that awful murky mess of feelings and thoughts
was sorted haphazardly in front of you
in my eyes
told you exactly what I knew
that excitement of looking at you, squarely

but it sounded hollow to me.

intimate pauses

the best is when you
lean a little
forward, watching
anticipating my next word
like those intimate pauses
between notes