now

tethered & building castles in the air.
not sure what I’m doing.
I’ll wear a hat and cover up & pretend I’m not who I am.

misunderstanding what this here & now means.
restating, re-tasting yesteryear.
wedged between this & that
I seem to choose nothing always

it’s a shame and a sham, that last year:
that’s what I convince myself
to go through today.

living in the in-between isn't real life.
so I'll take a walk and watch the leaves fall
I'll let go let go let go
to get a grip

looking back

i.
impulsively
I retrace.
meticulously exploring
then feeling
now chasing
the unreachable.

ii.
ah! the exhilarating newness of the first snow!
our group of three, so near tonight
it’s cold. so cold.
little circles of reflected light make the dark lake less threatening
undulating silliness
pulls my toes to the water
we link hands: a wall,
unbreakable.
one step deeper
and we’re in.

iii.
it’s so near.
it’s so far.

guidance

I should form a plan
a life plan
one that looks good typed up
one that a guidance counselor wouldn’t sigh about

I had two guidance counselors in high school

the one knew my name the first day
of my freshman year
it was weird (but comforting)

the other talked about SATs and ACTs and career paths with us in English
my English teacher made sarcastic comments about this one
when she left the room to get some important papers
printed on pink paper

well that one, the last one, saw me in the post office
she gave me pity eyes
I wonder if I deserve those?

I never really liked her, though
so maybe when I go to the high school
to take that career test she was talking about that will tell me my interests
I’ll snag the other guidance counselor,
the one who knew my name.

choose

picking at old scabs
an incessant echo of the new and old
and me
bound between.

reformed
reopened

I need more time