dont have a girlfriend
and it doesnt bother me that much
in the moments before i sleep
im consumed
by a sort of circadian isolation
but otherwise im fine :)
create an okcupid profile
im a blank slate with an impatient flashing cursor
125 million blinks until im 30
i write things that i know how to defend
as stupid as that sounds
unconscious decisions are the most embarrassing
after confronting uncomfortable truths
i scroll through the selfies
and notice all the cute ones have kids
i learn something about myself
namely that i dont want kids right now :(
also im apparently into moms
of course a nice lady with a daughter
sends me a message
and i can barely face telling her the truth
even in this mostly faceless medium
and as i read her way-too-understanding reply
a hard knot forms in my stomach
a thicket of messages from various others
grows unkempt and barely pruned
as a mixed metaphor for apathy compounds over 18 months
and causes me to lose interest
(dont forget to account for inflation)
the profiles get more vapid and the messages more explicit
and its hard to ignore the thought that
maybe all i really want is sex
but part of me knows (the virgin part?)
that im too scared and untrusting for that
without a serious relationship
so maybe thats what it comes down to
i think im happy most of the time
just want to make sure im not missing anything
which wow
is still the shittiest reason to have a girlfriend
okcupid - 2/10
