Living Water

So long, for so long
I restlessly dipped my feet in the water
Occasionally feeling a splash

I want all of you.
I heard it.
Three times I heard it.

And finally I admitted
That I don’t know how.
How do I move?

But I made my choice.
I’m going under
No matter the cost.

And a wave crashed into me
I was overtaken
Swirling

Drowning.

And this death
redefined me.

Gray Sucks

I reduce everything to black or white:
All or nothing.
Good or evil.
Needy or independent.
Happy or sad.

It’s deliciously dramatic,
the high contrast.
No questioning.
Absolute.
Controlled.
Categorical.
Single-minded.
Precise.

And darn it,
I can’t trap you
because you’re absolutely gray.

Rip Current

you’re dripping with sweaty sarcasm
and my eyes reach yours

infinite turquoise blue and damp air take me hostage
engulfed, powerless, sputtering salt
swimming sideways and dodging this nauseating undercurrent

my burning nose reminds me that I’m still feeling
and will not drown in your calm and collected cynicism

Childish

shoes untied,
I’m nimbly dashing

I take a slight fall,
stumbling upon earth

like Alice,
I have encountered a wonderland

chasing a rabbit
into the unknown

“Off with her head!”
I faintly hear

“I’ve lost it already,” I scream
untidy curls poke the sky

I look out at the light show
Pretending the flicker of red and blue
Is celebrating Independence Day
Instead it’s a drug bust.

the cold, March night doesn’t even hint at summer
and I’m walking, walking
past the police man
crackling leaves undertow
undertones of courage sift by
as I fearlessly make my way towards the woods
wait, not fearless—I’ve got plenty of those
no, just passively going.
this isn’t bravery
simple unrest got me here
compelled by discontent
I run away.

pride is dangerous
i thought it was a good weapon
never got hurt
apathy my shield
because if I don’t care
you can’t hurt me
quite the mix for a good fall

so I’m running
running towards anything that could make me feel
feel anything but this gnawing emptiness
i push past everything familiar
tried it, not working
no, I need something concrete
and there you’re sitting.
in the darkness.
probably a good sign you’re no good.
but hey, I’m here too.
and it’s night.
—a good time to hide

i grab you for my journey
you’re wonderful
just can’t bring you home, is all
see, you see,
they wouldn’t understand
no, they wouldn’t
they’d judge you
but I won’t.
i can see you for you
isn’t that good enough?

but I’m tired
so tired
i don’t know if I can do this
I plop down,
and gently you scoop me up and carry me
i surely got carried away
all this attention
i regain my breath and
i finally realize it’s too dark to see who you are
turns out my night vision sucks

I demand to be let go.
you comply, but tell me to lead
Not leave.
the path splits in two, and I have no idea what to do
finally something I can’t ignore
No, no, no I cannot
I cannot tear wildly through this path I know ends badly.
how did I even get here?

well I didn’t take either path
i stopped there, then ran from THAT too
i’m lost
lonely dark woods
echo my cheap cries
cries for new scenery
left you back there (back where?)
left my way out, too

Falling, I cry for morning

But often light
Feels a lot like the law.
Sure, there’s freedom there
Right? I thought so?

Act II

Dashing in a slapdash sort of way
Raucous and abandoned
You startled me with affection
Starving, I accepted
Except I can’t anymore

Slipshod slip
That’s what this was
I’ll be the one to wreck
Our recklessness

I hardly know my own character
I wasn’t rehearsing lines
But you were?

(Although I was pretending.)

Hey
Our play’s over
Close the curtains

Morning to Night

Dash outside
Childhood journey
Backyard, past the duplexes, up that slight hill
Past illuminated by that east burning glow
Gulp in this morning
It will not last

Dash outside
Old judgments rise
Childhood journey
He didn’t say goodbye
Side door, pass the sycamore tree, black car
Past illuminated by that inward burning smolder
Gulp back those tears
Will it last?

Who's Driving My Thoughts?

Driving back to college
Listening to your message over and over
Barely audible over the roar of the engine
Audio clipping and tinny
Voice beautiful, regardless
You cheerfully race through the words
But with an infinitesimal hesitance
What else is on your mind?

Now drowning in music
The wheel slightly off-center
Forcing my hands to awkward positions
My knee locks up
Three hours of painted lines
I can't stand driving
Too slow
My mind races

Walking back from elementary
I focus on the metal gate at the end of the street
A short journey for the trucks
But so much longer on my small feet
I learned how to draw perspective in art
All the lines meet at one point
This road's not perfectly straight
I can't stand walking
Too slow
I run home

Pants-less and ironing
Need to do my shirt, too
I failed to realize I don't have nice shoes
I'll wear my dad's
They mostly fit
My heart's racing
I can't stand ironing
Too slow
I throw it all on and jump in my car

In a dark room filled with people
I'm whispering in your ear
Holding you as closely as possible
The song's over, but I won't let you go

Act I.

You tell me to lead,
Not leave
Well it’s simply not that simple

You see
My eyes are closed and I’m balancing
With hands clasped in yours
I feel safe
You truly make me happy
You choose where I go and I trust you
And I don’t have to have a say in this blind following

Leading instead of blindly following
Would suddenly make me responsible for where we go
Eyes opened, my balancing act would become reality
With a conscious decision I could no longer feign ignorance…innocence
I’d see the frowning spectators
Telling me to jump down off that shaky line

I want to lead
But
You see,
In order to lead, not leave
I’d have to leave a different reality
And I’m torn in this balancing act

There’s more than one thing to balance here
I’m begging you to see

doo do doo

singin’ at the crosswalk
cars zip by
blue skies
windows down
smiling forever

POW!

Division pretty much sucks
And if I had thought bubbles all the time
Showing my opposing thoughts
I’d look impossible

Collisions aren’t always bad
And if my thought bubbles
Popped into your mind
It might be possible
(To change)

We don’t live in an artificial comic book world, though
Nothing’s that bright

It’s my choice
To let people read me
Mostly, though, letting conflicting thoughts appear
Would burst my bubble

There’s no way to collide carefully

Choo choo!

I'm a train, constantly chugging along
I yearn for freedom
Independence from my path and my destination
but every detour I take loops me right back to where I started
I don't have control
yet I'm still unwilling to accept my conductor

If I derail again
just let me crash

Let Me Roll With my Routine, Please

I went West once
all the way to California
I made a point to only stop at BPs, churches, and side of the road fruit stands
I’d drive from 6am to 6pm

my Corolla kinda puttered out at one point
so some church man with a mustache worked on it
I got kinda mad because it threw off my routine
I had to start at 6pm and go to 6am.
so mad.

he sorta inquired where I was from
“You from here?”
“Uh, Ohio actually.”
“Oh.”

2 days of traveling
1 night, too
(8 fruit stands)
(3 churches)
(I lost count of the gas stations—I blame it on Rebecca)
Iowa to Utah made me a little depressed
but it wasn’t all bad
in Nevada I met this girl named Rebecca
she wore mom pants and tan nail polish
was about 27
smoked a little
had this habit of telling me the next exit was her stop
and then would make me stop at Citgos
she knew I hated that
so I left her at one.
still feel a little guilty about that one

California wasn’t that impressive, actually
but that cold blue ocean was a release
just ran in
clothed

I had a destination
just didn’t understand my journey
some things weren't so clear
but I knew how to get there, didn't I?
I knew how I wanted to go, OK?

7:30
May 12th
And despite the pitter-patter of morning rain
Enough dim light seeps through my blinds
That a stream of it reflects off my wooden floor
Piercing thoughts war morning’s haziness
So I shove open my window
And pull my white sheets over my head

Claude Debussy’s most popular piece quivers through my mind
One quiet evening
Two months past
Flitters by
My legs sting
Remembering your story

The bedtime concerts must be one of your favorite memories
Even then, with my head on your chest
Your heartbeat quickened

I picture your sleepy blue eyes
Watching your father
Move to his piano and play for you
His favorite fan
Claire de Lune is spine-tingling as is
But he’s good
He’s got talent
His fingers easily flutter over the keys
That piano is an extension of himself


MS
Stole part of him
He’s propped in a wheelchair
While Mom walked out
No longer a musician

You hate your mom.
Can’t understand why he still loves her
“Last time I cried I was 17.”

Why?

“Mom issues.
But I’m over it.”

Hungry for Something New

Died of starvation
Everything was insipid

Dissect this cadaver
And you’ll find
That my eyes could no longer see
And my skin could no longer feel
Ears couldn’t listen

Halfheartedly living this senseless life

What kills me is that
Apathy was my own choice

6:00 News

I yank the antennae to the left
Bursting through the static
I see Dick Goddard pointing to dark rain clouds
But I hear crackling, then Spanish
"Mi amor, yo quiero estar contigo."
Ridiculous double realities

Am I done or not?
Your mixed signals
Yield my indecision

Shall I tinker with these fickle antennae?
My patience isn't very stable
And this connection is proving shifty, too

Can't you see that I'm standing here
Desperately seeking clarity
Perhaps this station will never come in
And the next station over is clear.

Glass Cover

Put on your glasses, little fool
Your emotions are all over the place
Cover your tears with those metal frames
Glass barriers will cover your red, swollen eyes
You'll see better now that you're not drowning in self-pity
Removed, Focused, Blocked, Protected

Hello College

So I’m sitting there in 8:00 bio, right
DNA double helix—
Thanks Watson and Crick
But my mind’s drifting to summer
When I’m out of here

As much as I’m able to succeed in this collegiate atmosphere
I am aware that it’s contrived
Preoccupied with myself to get a “global perspective,” hmm?
Load of crap

Plastic Happiness

I ride my carousel
Atop this manmade beast
The world becomes a swirl
Faces and scenery snap by
I’m up then down
Everything is picturesque in this Monet world
I know, I’m far too impressionistic
Preoccupied with childish whims
Going only in circles
Such gaudy lies
Really, I should jump off

Fun House

I can't contain it any longer
I'm spewing my insides--vomitting on reflex
Skip the litmus this time
I know it's acid; it's burning my throat

I trusted a mirror I designed myself
and now there's no way out of this fun house
My distorted image is a useless guide
Stuck in an infinite corridor behind the glass

I thought time would heal this sickness
I thought I had actually changed
Guess I was too focused on myself
to realize how selfish I still am