stamps

i don't really understand what

life is about

some say it is about giving

but if you don't take then

you are always panting

always too tired

flinging my head back 

with a leather coat and my skinny jeans

i know you are looking at my butt

and i wanted you to kiss me

and all you wanted was for me to keep you warm

i slipped away late and felt

unwanted and 

alone

everyone has secrets and 

hidden little objects

everyone has little lies

that turn into realities

because focus is a powerful thing

because you become what you

believe

i don't think i'm alone ever

but why do i feel alone?

i don't understand the need for connection

when it is so rare

when bills are scattered around the floor

when i can't find the damn stamps

when such little trivialities take precedence over

holding your hand

i was never good at feeding myself

i was never good at laundry

i need a helper

i was babbling in the car 

we were going to look for rocks

and you scared me 

the sun right in my eyes

you scared me talking about 

npr and 15 year old consensual sex

i felt strange

you were a stranger i couldn't talk to

i want to be content with

little

i want to focus on 

the important

housed in the clarity of 

being wanted

believe

i am no longer afraid
or at least that's my choice
like how i would choose cheerios in the morning
instead of, say, cinnamon toast crunch
(although, let's be real, that's a hard decision)
and i'm not giving up on loving and feeling deeply
oh no, i won't
and maybe i've been a little burdened lately
but i won't die
because light wins
when i open to it
and i don't have the answers
at all
and i am confused
but i am open to
the light
opening
 to the light
i'm not even sure what that means
maybe breathing in cold air in the morning
maybe slowing down to see snowflakes twirling in the window
at work
the person next to me
needing me
or maybe it's color and sound
believing the best
enjoying what i have and
not aching for the next next next
because god is now
and god is present
light
 is everywhere

shame

shame is that hole
you go
to hide from others
you can never really escape
yourself, though

i remember finding you so long ago
red-faced and hands shaking
i hated you
and loved you

the pain of not talking it through
i wish you wouldn't try to be close
leaving notes
saying sorry
but never the truth

you seem like a child to me
you seem like a child who is
lost
and cannot find his way home

i can't guide you
i won't

shame is dark and i
don't want to see you
like this
shame is dark and it takes
others captive

11-8-13

i wish you would
tell me the words
you're thinking
i know you think
a lot


sharing is the hardest when you're scared
you seem different than me
but i like that
i like to be curious

i don't have the words
always
but i can feel them



in the kitchen with my mom
eating cake together
you laugh so sincerely
and your face is red


but i wonder if
i can tell you
about my heart

New

It feels like the first time I've
Seen
Looking up at the sliver of light
Wonder is a gift
I ache to be new